Monday, January 20, 2014

A Problem Of Biblical Proportions

It’s bad enough when your vacation home sits next door to a man who believes he invented a combination ray gun and sound system that neutralizes radioactivity from the reactor accident in Fukushima, Japan. It's an entirely different problem when his wife claims that she and her husband are the descendants of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. I’ve written about my neighbor John Hutchison and his ray guns before; you can read about it here, here, and here, but I recently discovered this biblical gem by his wife Nancy on a message board at the Cosmic Token:

"John's family is native American on his mother's side, and Scottish on his father's.
Both his father (and lineage) were Knights Templar.
My father's family was Knight's Templar.
And we both are on the bloodline of the the [sic] dude they call Jesus and Mary Magdalene."

Holy crap! That’s a lot of blaspheme. I’m an atheist and even I wouldn’t engage in that much heresy. She apparently gets her dogma from The Da Vinci Code. If I’m not mistaken, the Vatican has yet to canonize Dan Brown’s novel.

On the message boards, Nancy repeatedly refers to Christ as the dude they call Jesus. Why? According to Nancy, Jesus is not his real name.

"The word 'Jesus' translates into 'Hail Zeus'.
There is a reason the dude's name was changed.
And there are many things that were put into the 'Bible', that were not in the original documents.
The name change is just one of many of these changes. 'Quotes of what supposedly the Jesus dude said, those were added." 

I’m sure the Jesus Dude is not too happy with the medieval scribes who put words in his mouth. You'll notice that I capitalized Dude, which seems appropriate when discussing the top Dude. I’m just glad Nancy has the original biblical documents to set us all straight. I wasted my time reading the King James version.

John Hutchison isn't Nancy's only celestial coupling. Her first husband was a decedent of the Ark Dude.

"before I married John, I was married to Lazarayn, an Armenian'
he used to speak about the Caucasian Mountains
that his people are direct descendants of Noah
that Noah's Ark is on Mount Ararat..used to be Armenia, now Turkey"

I just have one question: Are they still called the Caucasian Mountains after the snow melts? Maybe she meant the Caucasus Mountains, but they're not in Turkey. Who knows, maybe the Hutchison Effect can move mountains too.

Elsewhere on the Cosmic Token Nancy points out:

"BTW--ever notice the crown of thorns on the Jesus dude as a Caduceus coil?"

This requires some explanation since I doubt many people are familiar with a Caduceus coil. Pictures might be helpful. 

Crown of Thorns
Caduceus Coil

A Caduceus coil is made by winding an electrical conductor, usually copper wire, around a core in pattern that allows  current to flow in opposing directions. Looking at the pictures above I can see why Nancy believes that the crown of thorns resembles a Caduceus coil, but so what? Well, the pseudoscientific community attributes a variety of strange phenomena to the Caduceus coil, including levitation. Nancy didn’t explain the significance of a Caduceus crown, but I suspect she's trying to tell us something about one of the central mysteries of the Christian faith–the resurrection of Jesus. Pump enough electricity through a Caduceus crown and you could conceivably levitate a body into the stratosphere. With that much current flowing through the copper wiring it would certainly glow, producing a brilliant halo. This of course begs the question of how anyone generated electricity in the year 30 AD, but a divine lightening bolt easily solves that conundrum. 

Several year ago, Nancy's husband participated in an effort to recreate the Ark of the Covenant. Once it was complete he hooked it up to a transformer and delivered 50,000 volts of electricity. The Ark arced and spontaneously combusted, destroying his "radio for speaking to God." The channel to heaven wasn't lost for long because Nancy is a consecrated conduit to the Almighty.

"There is an intelligence that created this physical realm.
I am a narcissist, and believe I am a conduit to that intelligence, 'the Creator','God' whatever you are comfortable calling 'it'. "

Now whenever John wants to speak with God all he has to do is tune his wife's knobs to the right frequency. 

You can visit John and Nancy's website and hear for yourself just how noisy neutralizing radiation can be. The neighbors just want the Hutchisons to be quiet. With all Nancy's divine connections you would think she could shutdown the radiation remediation equipment and ask God to clean up the radioactivity.


  1. I hear the sunset over the Caucasian Mountains is beautiful. Especially as the sun shimmers over Looneyville lake! Good luck with your

    1. Ah, Looneyville Lake, I hear some people spend their whole life there.

  2. Given your previous line of business please forgive me for asking Joe, but how the heck do you get to define what constitutes antisocial behaviour?

    If so tasked, were you not prepared to make more than a little bit of noise yourself, not to mention bring about 20 or so biblical style apocalypses?

    When you complain about trying to get the Hutchisons operation shut down for 18 months, maybe now you "establishment types" get a sense of what it feels like to be a nuclear protester? One small difference, Nuclear activists have been trying to get the sensible and decent thing done for half a century!

    T.B.F. If the Hutchisons have been operating that doohickey for some 18 months, and there hasn't been a marked reduction in the local background radiation count, then that evidence would suggest that their claims are dishonest, and whilst making a noise that you don't like, in an effort to clear up Fukushima pollution is OK by me and most reasonable people (as the Law defies such a being) soliciting money and acolytes on the basis of a false claim is much more actionable I would have thought..

    Cheers, Steve C.

    1. No, I don't consider serving my country to be anti social behavior. If so tasked, I would have carried my orders and, yes, it would have made a lot of noise. I would prefer to live a world that did not require my services as a submarine commander, but unfortunately that's not the world we live in.

      It may have taken 18 months, but a violation notice was finally sent to the Hutchisons (actually Andy Hohmann, it's his property) last week. The process will probably take several weeks to play out. Bureaucracy moves slowly, very slowly, especially in a county that is on the verge of bankruptcy.

      There's no credible evidence that any of the Hutchisons' activities perform any useful purpose.

    2. TBF, Joe I can see your point, it takes guts and commitment to get into that position, and even from my perspective being a part of the big stick of deterrence is a brave and noble thing to do, right up until you execute the launch command.

      In the belief system of people like me, Joe, I have to tell you that you would definitely cross the line abruptly into "antisocial" behaviour as the missiles left the tubes.

      I'm of course approaching this as a mostly non-serving member of the public, who has lived his life in the sights of the other sides Nuclear Deterrent, and to be fair I have a bit of an "attitude" towards nuclear matters, but if someone does indeed have to do your job, I'm glad that they picked you.

      If they'd chosen guys like me for the job, the kremlin would never have believed us as credible (until after the missiles left the tubes..)

    3. War of any kind, nuclear or otherwise, is the ultimate anti-social act, unfortunately, it is sometimes necessary–necessary, not desired. I'll quote Sam Harris: "While it can seem noble enough when the stakes are low, pacifism is ultimately nothing more than a willingness to die, and to let others die, at the pleasure of the world's thugs." I'm not will to please the world's thugs.

    4. I think you ought to buy yourself one of these Joe...

  3. Have to be honest, after this blog post, I no longer have interest in anything you say, especially in regards to our private conversation and your intent to critique the Colbern and ACT test papers.


  4. Apparently anonymous is not so much, when you refer to our conversation.
    Some people should be a little more respectful when speaking of you establishment types due to the fact that without you the freedom to explore these LSD fueled experiments would not exist.
    If you want to refute the issue, do it with facts.
    California is truly the land of fuits and nuts.

  5. Further testimony (excuse the pun) to the high prevalence of bizarre beliefs in the general population.

    And I'd advise not attempting to re-tune your neighbor's wife's knobs - I suspect your approach would not be welcomed!