Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Take Two Of These And Call Me Johnny Depp

Photo Credit
When Kellie and I first met, I barely needed the fingers on one hand to count the days between conjugal visits. I still use my hands to mark the time between copulations but in a totally different way. There’s an old joke that I’m sure you’ve heard. How do you stop a woman from having sex? You marry her. Scientists have long known the cause of this problem, it’s called H.S.D.D., or hypoactive sexual-desire disorder, and the pharmaceutical industry, which has been working feverishly to rid the globe of this scourge, may soon market a magic pill that accomplishes for women what Viagra has done for men. Fifty years from now, the Rolling Stones song Mother's Little Helper will have a totally different meaning.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Women Are Like Cars

Hey friends, it's been a busy few days and with Kellie and I leaving for Alaska in a few hours I'm not sure if I'll publish much next week. I decided to rerun one of my favorite posts, it was originally published in January 2012. 
Last Friday night, we attended a birthday party for our friend CJ, a young Marine who recently returned from Afghanistan. I whispered to Kellie, “You know, I think we’re the oldest couple here.” The youngest couple at the party, Rick and Lindsay, both in their twenties, were recently engaged.  Having been married twice, once successfully, I felt that Rick might benefit from the wisdom of my years. I told him getting married was just like buying a car.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Sexiest Nationalities

“Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Do I make you randy?” If you’re a typical American female, you’re likely to answer yes to those questions from Austin Powers, at least according to a recent online survey that asked American men and women which nationalities were sexiest. U.S. females put Brits and Irishmen at the top their lists, while males preferred Latino women. I started thinking about how my preferences, as well as Kellie's, matched those in the study.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

The Malevolent Machine

The Face of Evil
Unlike most other clothes dryers, which are little more than highly evolved, sock eating Venus Flytraps, my dryer is a conscious, sentient organism. It knows I'm an empiricist and it likes to amuse itself by fucking with my ability to perform inductive reasoning.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Double Vision

I called central appointments hoping to see my doctor that afternoon, but after I told the nurse my symptoms she sent me straight to the hospital. It would not be an understatement if I said Kellie was very concerned about my condition – it would be a misstatement. This wasn't the first or second or even the tenth time she's had to drive me to the emergency room. She was more annoyed than worried.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Losing My Religion

I remember looking up at the big, round stained glass window on the back wall of Saint Rose of Lima. I remember looking down at the clear oak pews. I watched as the priest, standing on marble, held a golden goblet above his head. I watched as adults dropped bills and coins into the collection plate. Something didn't make sense. God didn't need gold chalices or marble alters, but the hungry needed food and the threadbare needed clothing. I couldn't understand why our congregation would spend money on a house of worship while people suffered. It was inconsistent with what I had learned during Saturday catechism class. With only two weeks to go before my Confirmation, I had my doubts. I also had to make a decision. 

Friday, May 3, 2013

Charming Idiosyncrasies

During the initial stages of a budding romance, both parties are usually very well behaved, hiding those charming idiosyncrasies that might frighten away a potential mate. People do more than just control their endearing quirks, they also tend to suppress the basic bodily functions that make us part of the animal kingdom. We try to make believe that we don't urinate, defecate, menstruate, belch, burp or fart. But over time, maintaining the charade becomes burdensome and we eventually let our guard down. Kellie has decided to restore some of the mystique in our relationship by banning the fart. Since we can't eliminate flatulence, the new rule is: "Thou shall not release audible flatus in the presence of thy mate." She has also declared that the offender shall be punished with a pinch.

Once the law went into effect, we quickly discovered how much Kellie liked to blow her own horn. Whereas I bravely accepted my punishment, Kellie tried to escape her comeuppance by fleeing. This past week, my 15 year-old daughter caught us as I chased Kellie to administer her punishment. Turn up your volume and enjoy.