Friday, January 11, 2013

Cruising, Grandmothers, and Vibrators


As long time readers of Living in Kellie’s World are well aware, Kellie loves taking cruises. We normally go alone, but during our last voyage over the New Year holiday, we invited family and friends to accompany us. In all, our group totaled 16 people and included our mothers. To take advantage of every available discount and credit offered by the cruise line, Kellie assigned us to staterooms in a manner that would produce the greatest cost savings. Consequently, our reservations had me sharing a stateroom with my mother and Kellie was listed as sharing a stateroom with her mom. This arrangement would obviously deprive me of one of the prime benefits of taking Kellie on vacation, so once we were aboard, Kellie went to the purser's office to switch room assignments while I began settling into the cabin that had I assumed would be ours. But I was wrong, as usual, and had to gather the few things I had unpacked to switch rooms with our mothers who were in the adjacent cabin.

After getting everyone in the correct staterooms, our group slowly gathered in the Wheelhouse Bar for drinks. Kellie and I, along with our mothers, were the first to arrive. The moms were trying to tell us about a strange device they found in the night stand that they assumed was left behind by a previous passenger. At first we couldn’t quite understand what they were trying to convey, but once my mother mentioned that the object was in a little pouch that looked like roll of LifeSavers candy, everything suddenly became very clear. I had left a marital aid in our mothers’ stateroom. 

It's hard to describe the feeling one gets when one realizes that their mother has been handling their sex toy. Panic set in. I turned to look at Kellie but she wouldn’t even turn her head in my direction. I knew I was in trouble. Our mothers continued their discussion of the vibrator, speculating about who might have left it behind. Kellie’s mom was surprised by the small size of the device. She thought they were bigger. (Really? I thought size didn’t matter.) My mother then rationalized that the small ones were probably for beginners. Kellie sat there in silence and horror while I nearly fell to the floor laughing.

As the members of our party slow drifted into the bar, our mothers repeated the story of their discovery. Kellie lips pursed tighter with each retelling and I was beginning to fear that this story was not going to die quickly.

Suddenly, I realized that I still had a key to our mothers’ stateroom. I feigned an urgent need for a restroom and sprinted away to recover the item. When I reached the room, the door was open and the steward was making up beds. The toy, still in its LifeSaver pouch, sat humming away on top of the nightstand. Evidently, the moms had removed the device from its container for inspection, turned it on and didn’t know how to turn it off. I’m surprised that they handled it. Did they not realize how and where those things are typically used? I hope they washed their hands before going to the bar. I grabbed the device, thrust it into my back pocket and departed. 

You have to wonder what the steward thought of our family. Think about the situation from his perspective. He enters the stateroom of a pair of elderly women and discovers a vibrator buzzing away right next to the bed. A few minutes later, one of the moms’ children enters the room and walks off with said vibrator. It might explain why the steward was never very cordial. Word got back to us that he referred to our group as, “That family!”

Successfully recovering the device didn’t quell the discussion regarding our mislaid marital aid. Our moms could now regale us with the tale of the vanishing vibrator.

Kellie was not very happy about the whole affair, especially since this was the third time that I've lost control of the vibrator. She’s even less happy about this post since, till now, our mothers did not realize that the marital aid belonged to us. As always, whenever I screw something up, Kellie bans me from that activity in the future, which is why I can no longer hold the passports, drive in foreign countries, or carry the vibrator.


Dude Write

23 comments:

  1. the older we get the less we remember...what was I writing about?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have that problem fairly often.

      Delete
  2. Fun post! If you cruise in rough water the rocking of the ship does most of the work for you and you can leave the vibrator at home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, but unless the ships rocks at something over 60 hertz I doubt it will get the job done.

      Delete
  3. The title alone was very interesting, actually had me a bit scared to read further! But the rest of the story...well, what an embarrassment!

    Great post!

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is too funny! I wonder if your Moms will leave a comment here ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I doubt mom will leave a comment, but I am expecting a phone call fairly soon.

      Delete
  5. This was hilarious. Sorry to laugh at your (and the Mrs) expense. I read this aloud to my lady, and it had here in tears. Good to have you back in the Dude Write lineup!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No worries, Kellie laughs at me all the time.

      Delete
  6. OOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!!! I bet Kellie's mad atta you!!!!! :)
    And your mothers are probably all shades of red right now!
    I absolutely LOVE it! Hehehehe!
    Missed your stories!
    Welcome back!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Too funny! Reminds me of a similar story one of my Chief's told a sea story of his previous command on a Carrier making preps to get underway for deployment. All the crew members were bringing their sea bags aboard over the last 48 hrs. As it was after 9/11, all the gear was inspected before it was allowed on board. The ship had a set of X-ray machines setup to assist with the screening process. A female LT had a number of bags and placed them through the Xray machine. The Master of Arms (MA) who was operating the machine was relatively new and he observed what he thought was a bomb on the monitor. He called his Chief over to take a look before he called away a security alert. When the Chief saw the metal tube, batteries, wires and magnet he knew immediately it was a vibrator and started busting out laughing. For the entire deployment the female LT would avoid the Chief when ever possible.........and the Chief always gave a smile whenever he happened to see her in the passageways.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I just got a vision in my head, of old ladies with giant, plug into the wall vibrators. And now I have to go try pour bleach into my ear.

    Nice post!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wow, you are a brave man. Embarassing all the women in your life in one fell swoop of a post!

    At least you've learned one of the most important lessons in life: never, ever lose control of the vibrator! That is an important life lesson, right?

    ReplyDelete
  10. It's great to have you back writing again. I felt like a part of my funny bone left.

    This is awesome and embarrassing all at once.

    WG

    ReplyDelete
  11. I don't know which would be worse, knowing that my mother had handled it or her marveling that it was so small.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh dear! How embarrassing. Perhaps you could have pretended it was an instrument, loaned from a physiotherapist, to massage away muscular aches an pains. But then again, I'm beginning to imagine your mother applying it to her rheumatic shoulders ...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Well done with this post, it had me chuckling the entire way thru.

    And I'll have you know that while I was reading the part about you sneaking in to retrieve the vibrator, I couldn't help but picture you dressed as a spy and being all "Mission Impossible" about it.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Way too funny.

    If my mother were ever to find a "marital aid" that belonged to me, she would make damn sure I died of embarrassment.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I just snorted my coffee and spit it out. That story is awesome and hysterical because it didn't happen to me. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Wow. It really funny. Lol.................

    ~ Lina
    vibrators

    ReplyDelete
  17. A pouch? How handy. But I would be MORT.I.FIED and he would be nooky'less for the duration of the cruise.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'd say you're making this up, but I don't think you can make up something like this.

    ReplyDelete