Wednesday, February 29, 2012

An Operational Definition of Menopause

men·o·pause /ˈmenəˌpôz/

  1. The period in a woman's life (typically between 45 and 55 years of age) when fertility ends, caused by the:
  2. The termination of ovulation, resulting in:
  3. The cessation of menstruation, leading to:
  4. A stagnation of fornication, producing:
  5. Male desolation, desperation, and masturbation. 
  1. The sentence at the end of periods.  

Monday, February 27, 2012

How To Prepare For A California Wildfire

Southern California may have the best climate in the country, but in return for consistently fantastic weather, we have to deal with periodic wildfires.  Most years, the biggest threat we face from these fires is the possible loss of electricity, gas, or water.  During one firestorm, the conflagration threatened to cutoff our utility service.  I sent Kellie to Costco to pick up some extra provisions just in case we found ourselves without power or water.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Does This Dress Make My Butt Look Fat?

It’s a classic conundrum, almost a cliche; your wife ask’s, “Does this dress make my butt look fat?”  How do you answer?  You can only get trouble if she actually has a big butt.  If her bum has not ballooned, there are plenty of easy escape routes, but no matter how she looks in the dress, the correct response to this inquiry is always, “No.” 

Monday, February 20, 2012

The Problem With Gifts

As I mentioned last week in my Valentine’s Day Post, Kellie decided long ago that she would pick her own gifts when the occasion called for giving her a present. I’m not sure which of the gifts I gave her finally drove her to relieve me of my present purchasing powers. There are several possibilities: there was the gold dolphin bracelet, which I thought she would like; the bathtub massage mat, which she specifically requested, but then disavowed ever asking for it; and the LavNav, short for lavatory navigator, which I thought was the perfect gift every husband should give to his wife.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Read The Label, Obey The Label

Lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping.  I drift off easily enough, but after three or four hours in bed I wake up with an urgent need use the bathroom.  This new late night regularity has become a bit irritating. By morning I’m feeling completely pooped out.  I have had trouble seeping the past, stomach issues too, but this gastrointestinal driven insomnia was something new.  I had just decided to see the doctor when I realized that I had been mistakenly taking stool softeners instead of over counter sleep aids.  The bottles look almost the same.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day – 2012

I hate Valentine’s Day, there’s just too much pressure.  You have to buy a gift, and I’m not very good at buying gifts.  You can’t buy just any gift, it has to be a thoughtful gift.  The only person I can buy a gift for without obsessing is my father, and that’s only because we like reading the same books.  All I have to do is find something I want to read and send it to him.  Now he’s made it even easier, he just want’s his kids to send money, he matches it and donates it all to a food kitchen.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Almost A Cougar

A few days ago, I made a bet with my forty-eight-year-old wife, Kellie, that one of the young men in her French 101 class would hit on her before the end of the semester.  It hasn’t happened yet, at least not in her French class.  Had I expanded the boundaries of the bet, however, I would have already won the wager.  A pair of younger men have tried to flirt with her, but they were not from her French class. 

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Where Is It?

Why can’t I ask a simple question and get an equally simple answer?  Kellie said we were going to meet her mother and brother for breakfast, and I simply wanted to know where.  It’s a reasonable inquiry, right?

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Whose Money Is It Anyway?

Kyra:  Dad, who pays the electric bill?
Me:  Mom pays it with my money.
Kellie:  It’s our money.
Me:  I remember when we were first married, you felt uncomfortable referring to my money as or our money.
Kellie:  Yeah, I’m over it. 

Monday, February 6, 2012

I'm Hot, She's Cold

Kellie and I met and married in Hawaii.  The first home we shared in military housing had neither a heating system nor an air conditioning unit; both were simply unnecessary on an island where the daily high temperature averaged about 80 degrees Fahrenheit and the daily low temperature averaged about 65 degrees Fahrenheit.  Lacking a thermostat, there were no arguments about the temperature.