Monday, February 20, 2012

The Problem With Gifts


Last week, as I mentioned in my Valentine’s Day Post, Kellie decided long ago that she would pick her own gifts when the occasion called for giving her a present.  I’m not sure which of the gifts I gave her finally drove her to relieve me of my present purchasing powers.  There are several possibilities: there was the gold dolphin bracelet, which I thought she would like; the bathtub massage mat, which she specifically requested, but then disavowed ever asking for it; and the LavNav, short for lavatory navigator, which I thought was the perfect gift every husband should give to his wife.

Women suffer from a chromosomal abnormality that leaves them totally incapable of operating a toilet seat.  Upon finding a toilet seat in the up position, most women just freeze and start screaming, “Someone left the toilet seat up,” hoping that there’s a male nearby who will come and lower it.  Disaster often strikes at night when females attempt to use the crapper in the dark. They usually dive in butt first for a quick midnight dip.
The LavNav is a commode upgrade that mitigates this particular female disability.  The device combines a motion sensor and night light; it is installed by mounting it to the underside of the toilet seat lid.  Operation is automatic.  In the dark, it senses the approach of a potential skinny-dipper.  If the toilet seat is up, it shines a red light in the bowl, warning the user of impending danger.  If the seat is down, it shines a green light into the bowl, indicating that all systems are go.  Clearly, this gift should put an end to all that annoying whining and complaining about not putting the seat down.  As an added benefit, NavLav also eliminates the occasional nighttime flooding accidents that occur when a male forgets to raise the toilet seat lid prior to use.

Honestly, I don’t see why women have such a hard time operating a toilet.  The procedure is relatively simple: check seat position, adjust if necessary, then sit.  The sequence of steps is crucial.  Problems only arise if the procedure is executed backwards, and then the only penalty is a little unplanned douching.   
Kellie claims that the LavNav is the most ridiculous gift that I’ve ever given her.  Yet, she always asks me to replace those two AA batteries when they die.

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