Thursday, February 23, 2012

Does This Dress Make My Butt Look Fat?

It’s a classic conundrum, almost a cliche; your wife ask’s, “Does this dress make my butt look fat?”  How do you answer?  You can only get trouble if she actually has a big butt.  If her bum has not ballooned, there are plenty of easy escape routes, but no matter how she looks in the dress, the correct response to this inquiry is always, “No.” 
If her ass looks fat in her dress, the cause is probably her fat ass and not the dress.  Remember, she didn’t ask you why her butt looks fat in the dress, she just asked if the dress was the cause. 
If your wife has a great behind, but she's wearing an unflattering outfit, it’s easy enough to answer truthfully without getting into too much trouble, just offer a compliment.  You can simply respond, “Dear, that dress is obscuring your perfectly proportioned, peach shaped derriere." She’ll change her dress, and you’ve escaped the snare.  Few men actually find themselves in this predicament.
However, if she asks a more direct question, such as, “Do you think my butt is too big?” then you don’t have too much semantic wiggle room.  If there’s no excess baggage in her trunk, you can offer up a compliment as before and escape unscathed.  If your baby has a bootyful back, you’re probably in trouble.  You could try, “No it doesn’t look too big,” but I wouldn’t risk it.  
Notice that no matter how she asks the question, you’re only in jeopardy if she has a big fat ass. Not only do we men have to suffer the big fat ass, we have to suffer the consequences of being truthful about it when interrogated.  
If you even have to ask, “Is my ass too big?” then it’s too big.  Stop yapping about it and go run around the block a few times.  I know my belly is too big, but you don’t see me going around seeking confirmation or baiting my wife to lie about it. Men are not as concerned about how they look after marriage, or at least they don't constantly vocalize their worries.
This brings me to my wife, Kellie.  She’s decided that her butt is ten pounds too big.  I’m not quite sure how she came up with that number since she can’t detach her butt and weigh it.  Kellie is making a concerted effort to avoid the Lay's Kettle Cooked Jalapeno Flavored Potato Chips and the Cheetos' Crunchy Flamin' Hot Cheese Flavored Snacks that usually end up establishing a permanent residence in her behind. I have taken her new initiative as license run wild with the fat ass comments, and, so far, she’s been remarkably good natured about it.
I don’t know why she’s suddenly so concerned; is she dreading having to shop for bathing suits for our next trip, a 35 day adventure that begins in mid April?  Or, could it be that she's trying to get in shape for the Carnival cruise she and her girlfriend, Lisa, are taking in March – without me?
We all age.  I have no expectation that my wife should look the same at 48 years-old as she did when she was 20 years-old. The picture above was taken just two months ago.  Her rear end looks about the same as it always has – pretty damn good.  


  1. Kathey, my wife, has learned not to ask questions she doesnt want to hear the answers to.

    1. Craig, she has learned well; she should teach others.

  2. Joe,

    I think you are writing this particular blog to get laid!! Well done. David H

  3. dont ask me no question i'll tell you no lies.