Friday, January 27, 2012

I'm dating a college girl?

After Kellie returned from her first day at Mira Costa Community College, she asked me how I liked dating a hot college girl.  There are two problems with that question that I thought were worth bringing to her attention.  First, we are married, not dating.  There is a distinct difference in the quantity of sex between the two – that's what I recall anyway. Second, when I hear the phrase "hot college girl," it conjures up a certain mental image that is slightly incongruous with the reality here.  It would be like calling me a young stud.  As anyone who has been reading this blog is well aware, Kellie is a middle-aged, menopausal woman, and use of the word girl may be a tad misleading.  College woman or college cougar would be a more apt description in this instance; I prefer the latter phrase.  As I said, it was just a thought, which I had the good sense to keep to myself, at least until I published this post.  I have a feeling that the disparity between dating and marriage may get a little larger.  

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Old School

Last summer, while vacationing in France, Kellie discovered that even the most mangled attempt at speaking the local language was sufficient to transform the rudest, most arrogant Parisian into a friendly, helpful human being.  Before anyone accuses me of bigotry or stereotyping, I want to point out that the French themselves think that Parisians have an attitude problem.  Kellie’s experience convinced her that she needed to learn French because she has plans to return to France, soon.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Happy By Comparison

Does Facebook make us unhappy?  Researchers at Utah Valley University think so.  A study of over 400 college students revealed that the more time you spend on Facebook, the more you come to believe that everyone else is have more fun than you.  Facebook profiles tend to document the

Friday, January 20, 2012

You Complete Me

Relationships and marriage are about balance.  Couples don’t necessarily need to have the same interests (though it helps), but each partner should complement the other.  I think that’s why Kellie and I get along so well despite the glaring differences in our personalities.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

She Always Says No

Last month we took a two-week cruise aboard the Caribbean Princess.  One night, the Assistant Cruise Director, Dan, hosted a simple game called the Yes No Show.  Contestants had to sit in a chair and have a conversation with Assistant Cruise Director Dan for three minutes without saying the words yes or no.  Successful participants won a bottle of cheap ship champagne.  Most contestants were not successful.  And the contestant who said yes or no in the shortest amount of time would have to lead the naked conga line the next day.  Kellie signed both of us up to play.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Who reads this stuff anyway?

Here's a breakdown by country of the visitors to Living in Kellie's World for the past week.  The hits from Russia are all spam, but the others appear valid.  I have been trying to imagine what someone in Saudi Arabia might think or say after reading the blog: "Crazy American females, no wonder the men there marry only one at a time."

Monday, January 16, 2012

More On Pets

Once I broke the no pet rule, Kellie felt free to do the same.  Sometimes she would buy pets while I was out on patrol aboard my submarine, the USS OHIO.  During one patrol, she decided to get a new cat.  When our girls started bickering over who got to hold the animal, Kellie solved the problem by getting two cats.  Kellie knew she had to break the news to me before I retuned from sea.  She sent me a letter (which I received at my first port call) containing a picture of my two youngest daughters, each holding their own cat. I may have been smart enough to command a nuclear powered submarine, but I somehow failed to grasp the meaning of the picture.  I assumed the cats belonged to friends or neighbors.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Absolutely No Pets Allowed

After Kellie and I got married, I laid down the law: no pets.  It’s not that I don’t like animals – I do – I just don’t like taking care of them.  Dogs are particularly needy, much more so than cats.  Cats are independent and don’t require much attention. Owning a dog, on the other hand, is like having a perpetual two year-old child that refuses to wear diapers.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Marriage Plots

In his book, The Seven Basic Plots: Why We Tell Stories, Christopher Booker claims that nearly all western literature can be categorized into one of seven basic story lines: Overcoming the Monster, Rags to Riches, The Quest, Voyage and Return, Comedy, Tragedy, and Rebirth.  While this blog certainly couldn’t be mistaken for literature, I wondered how I could use Booker’s schema to summarize my life in Kellie’s World? Here’s what I came up with:

Monday, January 9, 2012

Kellie's Boyfriend

At some point during the past 15 years, I promised Kellie that I would grow my hair to any length she desired after I retired from the Navy.  It's now been fourteen months since I left the service, and I look more like a Columbian drug lord than a retired submarine captain.  When we’re traveling abroad, people no long instantly peg me as an American.  So far I’ve been mistaken for a Brazilian, a Mexican, a Puerto Rican, and a woman.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Serrano Pepper Incident

Over the past few years, I have developed the urge to a plant a vegetable garden.  Kellie’s response to my repeated requests to start plowing was always short, direct, and negative.  I was adamant; I told her that I was going to plant a garden whether she liked it or not.  She informed me that if disturbed so much as a single blade of grass, then I would never sow another seed again.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Kellie's 2012 New Year's Resolutions

A New Year’s resolution is an explicit recognition of a past failure and a likely candidate for a future one.  I no longer make New Year’s illusions.  My wife, however, still participates in that ritual.  She has three resolutions for 2012.