Saturday, May 18, 2013

Women Are Like Cars

Hey friends, it's been a busy few days and with Kellie and I leaving for Alaska in a few hours I'm not sure if I'll publish much next week. I decided to rerun one of my favorite posts, it was originally published in January 2012. 
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Last Friday night, we attended a birthday party for our friend CJ, a young Marine who recently returned from Afghanistan. I whispered to Kellie, “You know, I think we’re the oldest couple here.” The youngest couple at the party, Rick and Lindsay, both in their twenties, were recently engaged.  Having been married twice, once successfully, I felt that Rick might benefit from the wisdom of my years. I told him getting married was just like buying a car.
“Listen to me Rick, it's crucial not to fall in love with the very first car you see. Look around for a bit, see what your friends are driving. With so many different models to choose from, it can be difficult deciding which one will give you the best service. The first variable to consider is size. Stay away from the big, oversized models, there’ll be plenty of time for family cars later.  Start out with something a little smaller. It should feel snug and comfortable when you first get in, because, trust me on this, it will loosen up over time, especially if you start jamming a few kids in there.”  

Try to drive as many different cars as you can before getting one of your own. If your friends are cool, maybe they will let you borrow one of their cars. If they are not into sharing, maybe you can sneak a ride – just don’t get caught. Renting is another option, though there are several drawbacks. It can be an expensive alternative, especially if you're looking to hop into something fancy. Also, they don’t always wash them between customers, so you may want to put something over the seat so that you don’t catch anything nasty.”


“In the beginning, your goal is to get plenty experience behind the wheel. Drive anything you can get your hands on no matter what it looks like. Your friends may laugh at you, but just remind then that while you’re riding in comfort, they’re still walking the dog alone.”  
“Be very careful when driving for the first time. New drivers, especially young men, tend to be very reckless. Many throw caution to the wind and fail to take proper safety precautions. The last thing you want to do is to knock up a vehicle that’s not yours. You may end up having to buy it.”

“When you do decide to buy, make sure you go to a reputable dealership and watch out for pushy saleswomen. They’re always looking to saddle you with a big down payment and long-term financing. Avoid the expensive models. The upkeep and maintenance will kill you.  Get something that you can reasonably afford and won’t leave you destitute if you decide to dump it in a few years.”  
“Don’t expect your new car to be cherry.  All vehicles have a few miles on the odometer. Still, there’s nothing that compares to the thrill of driving your very own new car for the first time. The interior smells great, the leather is soft and supple, and the ride is incredibly smooth. You’ll want to polish the chrome all day long.”  

“Owning a car turns out to be more expensive than you may have imagined and you might be tempted to skip some of the periodic maintenance. Don’t do it. The last thing you need is a ruptured hose or a blown head gasket while you’re plowing down the middle of the turnpike.”
“No matter how well you care for your wheels, your sexy little ride will eventually show signs of age, a few scratches here and there, some chipped paint, and maybe a small fluid leak.  Performance can get sluggish and the vehicle may become unresponsive to your driving demands. Sometimes, when it’s cold, it won’t start at all no matter how times you pump the gas. Soon it requires constant maintenance just to keep it running.  At this point, investing in a few upgrades could be worthwhile.  A new paint job and a big pair of shinny new headlights will give your ride a whole new look and feel.”
“For a while the fantasy works. The improvements make it seem like a completely different car. The illusion, however, fades quickly. Your old carriage starts accumulating so much junk in the trunk that you won’t even want to look in there anymore, and when you do summon the courage to lift the trunk lid, a dank, sour odor will send you reeling. There always seems to be some sort of problem whenever you want to take a little jaunt. When you do get it going it belches and backfires, makes strange noises, lurches when you’re not expecting it, and sometimes it just stops and throws you out the door for no damn good reason.”
“After a few years you'll realize that it’s over. You just can’t seem to get up the will to drive same car day after day. It’s then that you'll begin to notice all the other nice chassis zipping around the highway. You start to fantasize about what it would be like to have a hot little coupe of your own. You might be tempted to go out for a few test drives again. You’ll start thinking about getting a second car – one for the office and one for home. You’ll wonder if you can even afford to own two cars simultaneously.  Let me warn you, Rick, if you spend all day driving that little coupe at work, you may not have the stamina or desire to drive your old car once you get home.”
“So, you'll decide to dump the old battlewagon and buy the fastest, sportiest, sexiest, little foreign job you can afford.  Your new baby will be built for speed. Sleek and smooth, it will make your heart will race, your blood will pump, and your pride will swell. You'll be amazed by how well a tight, new suspension grips the road.”

“There’s just one problem, you’ll be too old and timid to drive that wild beast as hard as she wants to go. It will be too fast for you. One day your little beauty will careen out of control and bang every other car on the road.”

“Disappointed, you’ll swear to never touch another new car again. You'll decide to get something used, maybe a domestic model with an automatic transmission. Sure, others may have ridden it hard before you climbed inside, and there may be obvious signs of wear and tear, but at this point you'll just want an easy ride. Best of all, if you get an old beat up junker with plenty of nicks and dents, you won’t even care if someone else rams it in the rear-end.”

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot, congratulations to you and Lindsay on your pending nuptials.”
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13 comments:

  1. Hysterical. Nice writing Joey!

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  2. My "car" gets me from point A to point B and that's all that matters! Though that don't mean that I don't like to admire other cars. Look but don't touch!

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    1. That's pretty much the rule here, too.

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  3. This is absolutely hysterical! I love the depth you've gone to with the metaphor.

    I stopped polishing the chrome, but the headlights , engine, and transmission on my car are still top notch.

    WG

    When do we start talking about motorcycles / crotch rockets?

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  4. Brilliant stuff! This was hilarious and so well written. I really loved it :)

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  5. Joey,

    Masterfully crafted humor my friend!

    I've gone through a few chassis myself over the years, but I've finally found the one that I plan on keeping forever. She's not perfect, has some baggage, a few nicks and dings, makes some strange noises on occasion, and is overdue for a new paint job, but she has it where it counts most... under the hood. I love to drive her and she loves to be driven, and her interior is second to none, and best of all she's bought and paid for. She's all mine from now until we both drive off into that big junk yard in the sky.

    Keep up the great writing Joey!

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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  6. You are a Master of Metaphor, Joe. But did he listen?

    "You’ll want to polish the chrome all day long" made me LOL.

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  7. I love my old clunker, I can go looking at new cars but when I get home I'm parking in her garage....

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  8. Wow, you've really gone all the way with that metaphor! Well done man, cool post!

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  9. This metaphor makes me wish that I had given my car a girl's name instead of "Dewey."

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  10. Wow, you really have a way with the metaphor. Enjoy Alaska you guys.

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