Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Take Two Of These And Call Me Johnny Depp

Photo Credit
When Kellie and I first met, I barely needed the fingers on one hand to count the days between conjugal visits. I still use my hands to mark the time between copulations but in a totally different way. There’s an old joke that I’m sure you’ve heard. How do you stop a woman from having sex? You marry her. Scientists have long known the cause of this problem, it’s called H.S.D.D., or hypoactive sexual-desire disorder, and the pharmaceutical industry, which has been working feverishly to rid the globe of this scourge, may soon market a magic pill that accomplishes for women what Viagra has done for men. Fifty years from now, the Rolling Stones song Mother's Little Helper will have a totally different meaning.

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved Viagra over 15 years ago. Why is taking so much longer to develop a similar remedy for women? Men are simple creatures: we have only two physiological states, we’re either hungry or we’re horny. If we’re not chomping on a sandwich and you don’t see a tent pole in our pants, we obviously have a problem. You could try giving us muffin to munch on, but if that doesn’t work it means that there's a clog in the pipes and we require medication to clear the plumbing. The lack of female desire is more complex. The problem is psychological and may be caused by sexual boredom stemming from monogamy. This might explain Kellie's incessant and  unsuccessful attempts to transform me into Johnny Depp's twin

A new pill called Lybrido is currently in clinical trials and initial reports indicate that it is very effective at producing female arousal. Possibly too effective, and that has pharmaceutical executives worried. Will the FDA approve a pill that turns women into raving hordes of nymphomaniacs? I think it’s a risk worth taking. Even if the worst happens, think of the benefits. Men would be so busy satiating the female sexual appetite that wars would cease, food demand would plummet and we could end world hunger.

An article in the New York times suggests that men “might not be so happy about the reminder, as their partners reach for the pill bottle, that their women need chemical assistance to want them." I don’t see this as any different from plying women with alcohol to lower their inhibitions (and their standards). Even with ample alcohol, I still need a cruise ship and a pocket rocket to put Kellie in the mood. A pill certainly seems easier and probably much cheaper.

I’ve tried many different techniques to make myself seem more desirable. Housework is an effective aphrodisiac, but I still have my pride and there’s a limit to what I’m willing to do for sex? Chocolate and candles don’t produce consistent results and begging is seldom a turn-on. I even bought a poster of Jonny Depp for our bedroom ceiling, but I decided to test its potency by hanging it in our laundry room first. I’m not sure how to interpret the results. Ever since that poster went up we’ve been plagued by unbalanced loads during the spin cycle. I now frequently find Kellie straddling a thumping washing machine, breathlessly trying to hang on until it finishes the load.

It could take years before the FDA approves a drug for female sexual dysfunction. I’ll be following the Lybrido study closely at ClinicalTrials.gov. Maybe I can get Kellie enrolled in the next phase of the trial; I hope they don't give her the placebo. Until then, I think I’ll do my own laundry.
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32 comments:

  1. Posting this should solve ALL your problems, Joe!

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  2. Ah, the subtleties of your humor! I missed you Joe!

    Great stuff.

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    1. Oh yes, that's me, Mr. Subtle.

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  3. Very funny. You are like a dog with a bone(er).

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    1. You said boner. Kellie made take that word out of my original draft.

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  4. ha! i love that you think 'this is a risk worth taking'. so funny, as usual. have you tried johnny's little glasses. i think you pull it off.

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    1. I just started wearing glasses about three weeks ago because of double vision. I'll have to get a pair of glasses like Johnny's and report back.

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  5. What's this thing women have with Johnny Depp? I just don't get it.

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    1. I don't understand it either, Stephen.

      http://www.livinginkelliesworld.com/2012/07/johnny-depp-please.html

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    2. I'm a woman who DOESN'T have a thing for Johnny Depp, but that really doesn't help your situation. Good luck!

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  6. Wow...she approved this draft...boner could only make her seem more willing. She is a hell of a good sport even if she doesnt put out enough.

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    1. She is a good sport, and I didn't show her the second draft.

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  7. Us gals always get screwed over when it comes to the pharmaceuticals...

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    1. Well, that's the sole purpose of Lybrido.

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  8. They're always such a nuisance, those unbalanced loads. I'd get the machine fixed, but you know...

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    1. I think it may be time to move the poster out of the laundry room.

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  9. Yeah, Johnny Depp. Or Viggo Mortensen. I think you could pull off his Lord of the Rings look.

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    1. I'll have to check with Kellie to see if she approves of Viggo.

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  10. Too funny...glad you are back to writing!

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  11. sorry about that... Here's a little tip borne from experience. You need no little pills. Buy 50 Shades of Gray. Or any of the other millions of titles. There are others. Much better ones. And a Kindle. That's all you need. Just as my husband. :)

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    1. I've got 50 Shades and a Kindle. I just can't get her to read the book.

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  12. Men definitely get all the good drugs.

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  13. How fun! I like your connections between Lybrido and world peace. Should that be listed as a side effect?

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  14. I can see the ad for the drug now...the newest Miss America being crowned for her answer to what she wants most for the world, "Lybrido."

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  15. Two liters of Rioja and 500 grams of dark chocolate usually dose the trick for Mrs Jones - and it has the advantage that she can't remember anything about it the next day!

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  16. Love how you weaved this all together and threw in Johnny Depp too. Your humor is exactly what I needed tonight. Thank you! I may even go jump my husband now. He thanks you too.

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  17. You have such a great voice with these pieces that mix the humor with a sort of scientific study voice. Amazing. Also? The washer scene--great idea. I mean...imagery. Great IMAGERY.

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  18. LMAO! I love reading your posts - I get information AND I'm entertained - THOROUGHLY entertained.

    http://artographja.com

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  19. I'm still trying to figure out how I missed this post last week. Oh, yeah. It's because I've been in the bowels of hell. I'm convinced the "male" scientists don't want women to have our version of viagra, cause they're scared to death we'd start running the streets all loosey-goosey looking for a good lay. Hahaha!

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