Friday, June 8, 2012

The Secret To Having More Sex (With Your Wife)


There's an old joke that goes like this: “How do you stop a girl from having sex.” When telling the joke, you usually pick a descriptive modifier and insert it in front of the word girl to single out the particular ethnic group, religion, or subculture for which you want to display your gross insensitivity.  Also, a graphic expletive typically replaces the word sex, preferably something with a hard “k” sound. It's a well known comedic fact that the “k” sound is naturally funny. That’s why Kellie calls me a dick head instead of a penis cranium.  Although, based upon the principle just stated, penis cranium should be funny too, and dick cranium should be even funnier, but neither phrase rolls off the tongue very well. Interestingly enough, if you say the words dick cranium quickly, it sounds like it could be the name for some rare radioactive element.  But I digress.  Anyway, the joke is a very customizable little gag. The punch line, as many men already know, is: “You marry her.” The humor comes from its near universal truth.

The joke raises an interesting question: Why do women gradually (sometimes not so gradually) loose interest in sex after marriage? A man’s libido doesn’t seem to fade after he makes the transition from sweetheart to husband. Which reminds me, comedian Lou Costello once said, “A husband is what’s left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed.” Of course, this begs the question, who killed the nerve? But I’m getting off track again. The point here is not to assign blame (we already know who’s to blame), but to identify the root cause of the problem and correct it. 

Women don’t actually loose interest in sex after marriage; they just require different motivation to participate. You may need to light a few scented candles, put on a little Kenny G, open up a vintage bottle of Two Buck Chuck, and talk with your wife for a while. (Here's a little note for the womenfolk; this is not the time to talk. It’s not that we don’t want to talk to you, it’s just very difficult for men to concentrate and speak coherently while the brain is being starved for oxygen due to lack of blood.) While the preceding tactics are initially effective, like many husbands, they tend to loose potency over time. 

Around the thirteenth wedding anniversary, an entirely new approach is needed to achieve spousal arousal. Here's the secret to getting that bored housewife to give you that come hither look again: housework. That’s right, I said housework.  There’s nothing that a married woman finds sexier than the sight of her mate doing household chores. Of course, not all chores are endowed with the same power to excite.  Sweeping and moping the floor will only get you to first base, but since you’ve been married for over a decade already, I suspect that you’re looking to score with every chore. Doing laundry will get you a little further. Watching me carry a heavy load of whites, forearms straining, veins bulging, sweat dripping from my brow, gives Kellie goose bumps and sends shivers down her spine. But if I really want to put Kellie in the Meg Ryan mode quickly, nothing makes her hotter and hornier than the sight of me wearing rubber gloves, bent over, elbow deep, splashing around while scrubbing the inside of a dirty toilet bowl. 

This is what I usually look like.
This is how Kellie sees me
when I'm doing housework.
Photo Credit



















WARNING:

Men, if you’ve never cleaned a toilet bowl before, practice first. DO NOT make your initial attempt in the presence of your wife. This is an extremely potent aphrodisiac, and if handled improperly, she might become over stimulated and finish without you, defeating the entire point of the exercise.

So there you have it gentleman, the key to unlocking your wife's pent up sexual energy. Now go throw away her copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and find out where she hides the toilet brush.



25 comments:

  1. Wait.. "this is not the time to talk. It’s not that we don’t want to talk to you, it’s just very difficult for men to concentrate and speak coherently while the brain is being starved for oxygen due to lack of blood" Is that scientific fact? Because, it does make some sense. Right?

    Why doesn't every man get this?? Yes, housework equals a nagging wife's porn!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I wrote the post, I had line about an idea for a new porn website for housewives, but I deleted it because the post was already a bit long. Your line would make a great title for the site: "Nagging Wife Porn."

      Delete
  2. Bahahaha My hubby put away the kids laundry the other day and I was all over him. He was completely startled but happily so, Lol. But you have a point, a man doing housework is HOT.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hear that often and it always perplexes me. I suppose it could be that my first marriage, within 6 months of the wedding not only did HE stop showing any interest in ME, he started sleeping in a separate room. Of course that was probably the beginning of the end which I would've seen had I been older than 24. What man in his right mind asks his wife what she is doing when he comes home and finds her cleaning the tub....naked?! THAT's what I am use to.

    I think Irishman will be fending me off for many years to come.

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  4. Oh! and just and idea, but I'm not so sure the allure is in the chore itself but the fact that its one less thing on her ToDo list thus leaving her with not only more time but tons more energy to focus on you.

    Just a thought...what do I know though

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't care why or how it works, I'm just spreading the word so no other men have to suffer needlessly.

      Delete
  5. There is NOTHING sexier than the sight of my husband washing the dishes.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You're a smart man, Joe. Fortunately your gender has you to profit for their wisdom ~ but what of their intention? With knowledge comes accountability and that brings up another joke. An older gentleman found himself in Vegas on a trip with this buddies. As a gift, he was presented with a prostitute who told him she had been hired to provide him with Super Sex. He strained to hear her... thought carefully and replied "I'll take the soup". Note to Kellies World Groupers - careful what you wish for! :)

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  7. I don't know. I wash the tub, I wash the toilet bowl, I do Laundry, Take her car for a carwash, ...she never volunteers to wash my Motorcycle, or polish my kayaks, what with this cleaning stuff,!!!!

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  8. I'm going on my 13th year...I do housework, but the french maid outfit doesn't do anything for my wife....

    Nice post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kevin, you're doing it wrong. She's supposed to wear the French maid outfit. You should dress like one of the Village People.

      Delete
  9. And if household chores don't work? Then what? Roofies? Divorce perhaps? lol

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  10. The fact that the sight of us doing household chores actually arouses women is proof that men an women are wholly different creatures. I mean, I might get excited watching her do chores, but not because she's doing them -- it's because she wore the short mesh shorts and worn-out, form-fitting U2 t-shirt to do the cleaning.

    I would say that one way to advance another base is to do the chores while your wife is gone. When my wife leaves for work and comes home to a Martha Stewart-clean kitchen, things...happen. :)

    And if you can do all of this on a Wednesday, then it's really business time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhN93rFZuJs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, you have to be careful what you post. Kellie now wants me to clean while she shops.

      Delete
  11. Dick Cranium is obviously a Private(s) Investigator!

    Great Post Joe! In case you want to do some more research because this doesn't do it for some women, I recommend 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Your wife is obviously into Acts of Service.

    WG

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're the second person to tell me about the 5 Love Languages. I may have to check that out.

      Delete
  12. And this, my friend, is where I have the advantage. No candles, no housework, just a simple statement and question. "I'm bored, wanna have sex?" Works every time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never tried that approach. I'll let you know how it works.

      Delete
  13. Lol, this was great - I have yet to experience the thrill of a husband doing housework and, I have to admit, thinking about it doesn't turn me on all that much. But... you never know... and I would definitely be interested to find out for myself. I think Bill Dameron's system is pretty cute though :)

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  14. Haha thanks for the advice. And I will have to use "dickranium" the next time I need to fend off a particularly douchey douche at work.

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