Monday, June 4, 2012

Lessons From A Drag Club

Kellie is the one
in the middle. 
I got stuck with designated driver duty for Kellie’s birthday party at Lips, San Diego’s ultimate nightclub for some good old-fashioned drag queen fun. It’s not as enjoyable if you're sober, but it’s much more educational, and I learned a few new things about drag culture and lifestyle.

If you are male and homophobic, try to
hide your distress. Drag queens can smell fear and they single out the frightened and meek for some extra curricular attention. The scared are often embraced from behind, their heads enveloped in a pair of surgically implanted double D earmuffs. Getting spooned by a queen can cause the uninitiated to experience gender ambiguity induced vertigo.

A drag queen’s voice can sound like a soothing, melodic, mezzo-soprano lullaby, but if you piss her off, you’ll discover that she's swallowed an angry baritone.  

It is rude and impolite to stare at a drag queen’s crotch and play Where’s Waldo. Besides, you won’t see anything. Duct tape is remarkably strong and sticks like glue to moist skin. That makes 1002 things you can do with duct tape.

Thirty-seven percent of a drag queen’s working vocabulary is comprised of the word bitch. The term wonderfully versatile and can be used for almost any part of speech.

Noun: Bitch, get off my stage and sit yo' drunk ass back down in yo' chair.

Verb: If you bitch about the service, bitch, I won’t bring you another damn drink. (Note that here that the word bitch is used as both a verb and a noun.)

Adjective: That bitchy drag queen keeps whining about her wig getting caught in her stubble.

Pronoun: Bitch gave me the clap.

Interjection: Bitch! That hurts like a bitch when you rip the duct tape off so fast. (Again, note the dual usage. Can you identify the correct part of speech? Post your answers in the comments.)

Adverb: Don’t make me bitch slap you, girl.

I didn't hear the word bitch used as a conjunction or a preposition. If you're aware of such usage, please post some examples in the comments.

The nightclub was not only educational, it was also very entertaining. The penultimate act of the evening, performed by the lovely Tootie, was a parody of Oleta Adams' classic hit "Get Here (If You Can)." The phrase "You can reach me" is repeated throughout the original song; just replace the word reach with the vulgar expletive for fornicate and you'll get the gist of the parody. If you're curious, you can find a few renditions of the ballad on YouTube, but none of them are quite as good as the cabaret we saw at Lips. I almost posted a link to the video, but this is a family blog and I didn’t want anyone accusing me of contributing to the moral depravity of my readers. 

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  1. Wait! Are you saying these drag queens had breast implants? Noooooo... really?

    1. It sure looked that way. I didn't do any breast cancer screenings, but my confidence level is about 99%.

  2. This is awesome!!!! Back in the day I knew a real live drag queen and "she" was makin' more money doing shows so she quit her day job as a florist. That bitch had MUCH better makeup and clothes than me!!!

  3. Hysterical! Catching a Drag show was some if the most fun times I can remember. You're so spot on! Looks and sounds like a blast.

    I've always wondered if there was a special Drag Queen shoe store...