Monday, June 18, 2012

My Neighbors Have Ray Guns


I received a phone call from a woman who identified herself as Nancy Hutchison. Nancy’s husband, world renown (never heard of him) scientist John Hutchison, had designed a device to remove radioactivity from the Pacific Ocean and installed it next to our vacation rental property in Gold Beach, OR. Kellie and I decided to make a quick thousand-mile jaunt up the coast to investigate. 
In the lot next to our building sat an old white sheriff’s bus. Mounted on top was a strange looking electrical contraption that could have come straight from a Ray Bradbury novel. The entire apparatus was buzzing and humming, whirring and thumping, occasionally emitting an assortment extraterrestrial musical tones. 


video

I decided to make a call on my new neighbors. Nancy, a plump, forty-something woman with a yellow bird’s nest for a hairdo, didn’t invite me inside for a cup of coffee. She looked tired, grumpy and none too happy to see me, less so when she realized that I was the guy who had hung up on her yesterday after she started babbling on about some secret organization above the CIA. 
According to Nancy, the Fukushima accident delivered a lethal radiation dose to the entire northern hemisphere; her Geiger counter readings were off scale. I doubt she understands the meaning of the word lethal, and if we are all going die anyway, then why doesn’t she shutdown her damn contraption and let us all go in peace? Nancy refused to breakout her Geiger counter, explaining that the ray guns (she actually calls them ray guns) had created an expanding bubble of protection that had reduced local radiation levels below those seen before the dawn of the atomic age. It would seem that her ray guns are also very effective at reducing camel and white elephant populations, too; neither of those species have been spotted since the ray guns began operating. Unfortunately, the ray guns are not as effective against Sasquatch; reported sightings of Bigfoot in this region of the country continue unabated.
“Modern science doesn’t know everything,” Nancy insisted. Her husband's invention makes use of a phenomena he named after himself: the Hutchison Effect. She tried explaining John's discovery, raving on about scalar waves, sound waves, radio waves, purifying frequencies, universal harmonies, jellification of metals, antigravity, levitation, cancer, and radioactivity. I couldn't decide if she was just crazy or a complete fraud. Interlaced with her pseudoscientific gibberish were incoherent rantings about government conspiracies. I really don't mind crazy, except when it moves in next door and starts zapping me with ray guns.
“Are you f%#$ing mad?” That’s what I wanted to say, but I was there to gather information, so I refrained. 
Before coming to Gold Beach, Nancy and John employed their ray guns to clean the Gulf Mexico following the BP oil spill. Then, after the Fukushima accident, they attempted to decontaminate the Pacific Ocean from their base in Minnesota, but the Rocky Mountains kept getting in the way. They moved to the Southern Oregon to target the source of the problem itself, Fukushima, Japan. Apparently, the beam from their ray gun can’t climb mountains but it has no trouble bending around the Earth.
My skepticism must have been showing, Nancy was getting quite irritated with me. She didn’t care about me or my vacation rental and threatened to turn up the volume on the device to 90 decibels. She asked me to leave her property. I wanted to continue the discussion, but with her Rottweiler-Doberman-Boxer mutt sniffing at my crotch I thought it best to honor her request. I left without meeting the great scientist himself. 
I’ve contacted a plethora of Federal, State, and local agencies, but I get the same answer everywhere I turn: It’s not illegal to be crazy. Today, my neighbors and I will descend upon City Hall to loudly express our irritation with the town’s newest inhabitants. I’ll keep you informed.

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 I'm hanging out with all the other yeah write addicts again. Stop by and sample some of the excellent writing by a fantastic group of bloggers. Don't forget to come back Thursday and vote.


read to be read at yeahwrite.me

46 comments:

  1. Great post as usual, Joe - can't wait for the next chapter! What "luck" for your writing career to have these wackos next door!!!

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  2. Replies
    1. There is no noise ordinance for the unincorporated areas in this town. Even if there were, there are no civil law enforcement officers to enforce it due to budget cuts. Today we discovered that they are in violation of the land use code and I filed a complaint this morning.

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  3. Dude, this is the makings of a great movie...go call Michael Bay and get explosions, robots and CGI

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  4. you thought the Navy had weirdo's... welcome to my world!! I thought that getting initiated to the west coast in San Francisco would bring you back to wierd city.. I guess some escaped and went to Oregon....Sorry!!!

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  5. snort. Maybe your crazy neighbor and my crazy neighbor can move somewhere together and start their own commune of crazy. They're a perfect pair!

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  6. Hey Joe.. meet your new neighbors.. The site even has him pictured with his Geiger counter

    http://www.hutchisoneffect.ca/

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    1. I know, he's all over the internet. I spoke with him yesterday before I left Oregon. Too bad I couldn't stay; I wanted to talk with him some more.

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  7. You met him! Was he as nutty as his wife?! Oh my god! I cannot believe you met a real life conspiracy theory nut. Amazing!

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    1. I did finally meet him. I'll post about it soon.

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  8. It SHOULD be illegal to be crazy, though. Think about it.

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  9. That contraption looks like it will give you more cancer than it kills.

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  10. So intriguing. And I love this bit: "It's not illegal to be crazy." Keep us posted. So happy to have found my way here via Yeah Write.

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  11. what? you don't have any ray guns? :)

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  12. Holy crap! I want cool neighbors like yours! Mine just bake me cakes and walk into my house without knocking.

    Plus I need someone to check that my aluminum foil helmet is still keeping the aliens from taking over my body at will.

    Please keep us updated!

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  13. Wow... and I thought my neighbor was a little off. I am clearly mistaken...

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  14. The whole time I was reading, I was thinking, "This can't be a true story." Now that I know it is, well, that's just awesome. I love crazy. It's like a live version of "Doomsday Preppers." Of course, I don't have to live next door to them.

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  15. Well, I won't be complaining about my neighbors anytime soon, although according to your video our neighbors may have the same taste in music.
    Is that a recording of a robot masturbating with a can opener, or is it dubstep coming out of their death ray? I still can't tell the difference.

    I am really eager to hear more on this story! I hope you post it soon!

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  16. LOL, the entire time I was reading, I thought- this must be fiction, then I get to the end. Wow, that is a whole new ball of crazy you have next door.

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  17. You are right. Sadly, I don't think you can legislate crazy...look at Washington! ;)

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  18. Love the quick 1,000 mile jaunt; I'm about to drive that same distance with my husband, two kids and two dogs and will be praying, "Quick, quick, quick" the whole time. Awesome post as usual!

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  19. This was hilarious. Crazy people always make for the best blog fodder.

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  20. I am only giggling because it isn't me. Except for it being excellent blog fodder, that situation blows. Chunks. Sorry.
    But did you really miss the day they covered jellification of metal? You really should have gone to alchemy class more. But she is an amateur, real crazies don't need no stinking ray guns. They can do it with their minds.
    Ellen

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  21. woah. that's...intense. i hope for the world's sake that they aren't crazy, they're really on to something...for your contiunation of a funny story sake, i hope they keep being crazy :)

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  22. Ugh, I hate crazy neighbors...I am surrounded by them...I feel your pain.

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  23. We thought our neighbors were crazy for feeding the raccoons! My favorite line: "I really don't mind crazy, except when it moves in next door and starts zapping me ray guns."

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  24. Oh wow. Well at least she provides some entertainment. You should pretend to totally buy into the whole thing and see how much you can egg her on.

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  25. truth is in fact stranger than fiction. wow.

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  26. In the movie, you'd turn the laser around and zap Nancy and her husband from existence. Is that an option?

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    Replies
    1. I wish it was. I just got another call today that they turned up volume again.

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  27. Really? This is crazy. I can't wait to find out what happened.

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  28. Wow. People are so crazy! I swear she has to be the woman I saw on Wife Swap last night! There's no way there are two of these people out there...

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  29. Hi Joe did you see Jesse Ventura tru tv you would love it your next door crazy john

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  30. Just looked at Hutchisoneffect.ca ......

    He is obviously bias with whom he wishes to communicate.
    On his home page, he has a built-in translator but there are no references
    to any of the most progressive languages such as:
    Klingon, Romulan, Vulcan, Bocce, Huttese, Ewok, Wookiee of Shyriiwook,
    Ithorian, Geonosian, Tusken Raider, Jawaese, Jawa trade language, Ryl of the Twi'lek,
    Rodian, Hapan or Gecko of Geico.

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  31. I stumbled across this blog as I was looking at properties in Gold Beach, OR. All you bloggers sound so judgmental of those different from you. Does that give you a feeling of importance? Joe is so full of self importance because of his stint in the Navy. Only losers join the Navy - you know those who cannot be successful in the real world. At least that's what we red necks in Pensacola think. Guess what, Joe. You're out of luck. I just purchased a summer home -- right down the beach from you. My son lives less than a mile from you. I bet your wife has dyed hair and fake boobs. Here in Gulf Breeze we refer to ladies that go for men to take care of them as "Gulfbreezanites". And we have a BUNCH of 'em. They are a dime a dozen. How does that make you feel? Good humor should not inflict pain on others. Think about it. I've met John and Nancy when they were here for the BP Oil spill. John has done some genius things...Nancy is as you described. I'm not saying John is not a kook. But don't judge a book by it's cover or its ray guns. Look forward to seeing you on the beach.

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    1. You're so right, Pam. The Navy takes losers who can't do anything else and puts them in command of the nation's nuclear powered and nuclear armed submarines.

      Unlike John, I have a degree in physics and I can spot fake science. I didn't "judge the book by its cover." I talked with Nancy, Andy and John; I read John's website and did other research before concluding that he's a fraud. But what John and his friends do is their business. It only concerns me when they turn up the volume on their equipment so high that it disturbs the peace.

      You're almost spot on about Kellie (the hair and boob stuff) but we're traveling the world on her money.

      And I'm sorry to disappoint you; we won't be meeting on the beach. The house is a rental, and I live far away from rednecks.

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  32. My son-in-law has a PHD in Physics; my daughter a PHD in International Economics. Both are professors. My son-in-law has the number #1 best selling Physics text used in Japan universities. (BTW, John's non stop battery has been functioning for many years in the Japanese Museum of Arts and Sciences. My son is an Electronic Engineer and follower of Hutchinson. I won't even tell you my background. Would not want to intimidate you. So go blab all your credentials to your friends in "Lalaland". I'll spend my winters in LA (Lower Alabama aka Redneck Rivera) and hope to catch a glimpse of you in Gold Beach. I promise not to "throw stones" at you or your windows. You can continue your search for enhanced self esteem or some other type enhancement, perhaps due to a small or skinny body part?

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    1. Trust me, I'm not intimidated by your or your children's education credentials. It only goes to prove that education does not provide immunity against crazy.

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    2. Pam did you son print his Phd off the Internet? If he follows Hutchinson, I suspect he might have.

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  33. ...and life goes on beyond blogs:). Have a rewarding life.

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  34. Hi Pam, Please let me know where your "educated" children teach so I can steer clear...I can't imagine that anything you spawned could possibly have anything to offer a college I would attend. On more serious note... what happened to you that you are so bitter and vicious?

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  35. It's Ph.D NOT PHD. Perhaps their web sites didn't get it right when issued.

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