Monday, November 28, 2011

"What's in a name?"

For some reason, I am not allowed to hold the passports or the money while on vacation.  Even though my wife has all the travel funds, I discovered that it is still inappropriate to refer to her as a cash cow.  (It is generally a good idea to avoid the word cow altogether when describing one's significant other.)  Other phrases to avoid include: loot lady, moolah mama, dough girl, wampum wench, and boobie stash (I have more but they're bit too crass).  Anyway, the proper title is Cash Queen.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Kellie Raccoon

One of Kellie’s pre-vacation rituals is to make a few trips to the local tanning salon to build a good base tan before hitting the beach.  She tries to get me to go along but I steadfastly refuse.  After almost 30 years in the submarine force, I have learned to accept my complexion's pasty white hue.  Besides, I probably did enough skin damage in my early twenties when I shunned any form of sunblock and coated my entire body with a mixture of baby oil and iodine in vain pursuit of the perfect bronze tan.  Those days are well behind me now, but I digress.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Higher Mathematics

“Hey honey.”
“I know that look.”
“How about we go upstairs and you can do a mobius strip for me?”
“Sorry honey, we don’t have a pole?”

Winter Vacation Is Just Days Away

Next Friday night, Kellie and I will be taking a red-eye flight to San Juan, Puerto Rico, our port of embarkation for a two-week Caribbean cruise.  I can’t promise to entertain you with the same sort of mishaps and misadventures that occurred during our trip to Paris last summer, but since we are renting a car, and they do drive on the lefthand side of the road on most of the islands we’ll be visiting, it could get interesting.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Terms of Endearment

Kellie has given me many different nicknames during our 17 years together.  When we first met, she frequently called me honey, BFL (boyfriend for life), handsome, prince, or prince charming.  As the years wore on, those utterances became less frequent and were slowly replaced with somewhat less endearing terms such as geek, dork, nerd, and the occasional asshole.  When she uses the latter term I feel compelled to point out to her that she has made a minor error.  I am not an asshole; I have an asshole.  She never seems to grasp the difference, and my belaboring the point only seems to reinforce her notion that her original usage was correct.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Right Back At Ya Dear!

Kellie and I agree on at least one thing: we each hate the way our spouse drives.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Wake up little Kellie, wake up.

Kellie likes to compare herself to Winston Churchill as a way of justifying her ritual of stripping down for an afternoon nap.  I resist the urge to point out how that comparison fails on just about every other possible dimension she could ever conceive.

Words That Rhyme With Itch

Several years ago, I playfully called Kellie a bitch.  “You can’t call me that,” she said.
“Why not,” I asked.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Futility is defined as having an argument with your wife.

Like most husbands and wives, Kellie and I sometimes disagree. Occasionally (too often) a discussion (argument) of the merits of each of our respective positions will ensue.  Like most husbands, I’m always wrong.

All This

The picture below is from Laura Patefield’s Oceanside Crossfit website.  She was intrigued by the image and asked her crossfitters to supply a caption.  Susan Parkhurst was first to post and everyone else figured that she pretty much nailed it.

"Don't you girls see... this, ALL of this, is Kellie's world and I, along with you, are just living in it!!"

They prefer to be called technically challenged.

What type of technical autism does my wife have if she is able to send me a text message requesting the time, but she is unable to read the time displayed at the top of the text messaging window on her iPhone?

Monday, November 7, 2011

Kellie's World: A Definition

Kellie's World - A strange and mysterious place where logic and reason break down and chaos rules.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Driving With Miss Kellie

In less than three weeks my wife, Kellie, and I will depart for our next vacation: a two-week Caribbean cruise.  On some of the islands, they drive on lefthand side of the road.  As I have mentioned in another blog, Kellie does not let me drive when we’re abroad.  Since Kellie is slightly dyslexic, I’m just a little concerned about my safety.  Not to worry though, Kellie has been practicing by driving on the lefthand side of the road right here in Southern California.  I’d pray if I wasn’t a heathen.