Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Valentine's Day, Alone

Valentine's Day is approaching. By this time I'm usually obsessing over what gift to buy or where to celebrate, but not this year. Kellie is leaving me—for another woman—two other women to be precise. She and a couple of girlfriends are planning a trip to Sedona, Arizona, for a long weekend of hiking, hot tubs, and happy hour specials. Back home, the other abandoned men and I will have to console ourselves with hot wings at Hooters.

I'm no romantic, and I'm perfectly content to be left alone on Valentine's Day. My only request was for Kellie block our Airbnb calendar so we wouldn't have any houseguests while she's away. If you’re not familiar with Airbnb, it’s an online community where members can offer their spare rooms for rent. It’s an easy way to supplement your income, and it provides a handy excuse if any of the kids want move back home. Yes dear, your old room is available, and it’s just forty-four dollars per night, but as a family member you get a ten percent discount.

At first, Kellie was perfectly willing to block the dates, but she doesn’t like to pass up easy money, especially since my early retirement has reduced her free cash flow. 

“Do you remember those two French coeds who wanted to rent a room earlier this month but couldn’t because we already had a guest?” Kellie asked. 

How could I forget twenty-two year-old Juliette and her friend Hajar? I never actually met them or saw their pictures, but I conjured up quite the mental image. I wanted to evict our current guest to make room for them. 

“What happens if two young Swedish girls want to rent while I’m away but can't because you made me block the calendar?” Kellie asked. “Do you really want to pass up the opportunity to have a couple of young blondes in the house while I’m away?” 

My wife can be incredibly persuasive at times. There was simply no arguing with her reasoning; her logic was flawless. I acquiesced to keeping our calendar open. Still, I was insulted that she wasn't the least bit concerned about leaving me to consort with two hot, young European girls. 

"Honey, your so adorkable, and you’re just lucky that I like dorks," said Kellie, "but to a twenty-something you’re just a dirty old man."

“Yes, but some women go for older men. What happens if they throw themselves at me and I can’t resist?”

“Good luck with that. Besides, it would cost you a lot of money.”

Once again, Kellie’s logic was impeccable. I already have one ex-wife and I’m not looking to charter a club. Maybe we could come to some mutually beneficial arrangement.

"What if I let you have Johnny Depp? Could I have the Swedish girls then?"

"Yes," Kellie replied without a nanosecond of hesitation. "But I get to go first."

This is how we do Valentine's Day in Kellie's World.
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Today's post is entered in Year Write's weekly writing challenge.

24 comments:

  1. i like the way your wife's brain works. smart cookie.

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    1. That's funny because I have no idea how her brain works.

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  2. This is precisely why Mike & I decided not to have an exchange student. Cute French coed in the house with my charming husband? Nuh-uh. Not that I don't trust him, quite the contrary. It's just that...no.

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    1. See, that's all I'm asking for, just a little doubt.

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  3. "Adorkable"-you definitely have one clever wife there. She's a keeper.

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    1. Of course I'm going to keep her. I'm trying to keep the ex-wife club to a single member.

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  4. She sounds like a lovely lady! :) I'm jealous actually.. I love Sedona!

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    1. Lovely, I don't think that's a word anyone has ever used to describe Kellie.

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  5. That's a wife who knows her husband very well! That's a rarity, even in the best marriages.

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    1. True, but all I heard was my wife telling me that there's no way in the world a twenty-something would have anything to do with me. The truth hurts.

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  6. Isn't it sad when those who love us the most see how old and creepy we now are? Somehow I've ended up with wrinkles, white hair, and a face that screams out "ma'am" to 20-somethings.

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    1. Yes, somehow the love goggles have become transparent.

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  7. Great post! Your good lady sounds like she has a similar mind-set to Mrs Jones. I too live under the delusion that a 20-something luscious gal might throw herself at me. As my 19-year-old daughter sometimes says, "Stop staring at my mates, dad; you're making them uncomfortable. And go and put some trousers on!'

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    1. Eww, I haven't resorted to trolling in my boxers – yet.

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  8. Smart girl. But I'll have to arm wrestle her for Johnny Depp.

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    1. Start working out, Kellie does Crossfit.

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  9. It's a great way of celebrating Valentine's Day.

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  10. Wow, I've never heard of airbnb

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    1. Great an idea, right? Get paid to have coeds in your home while your wife is away.

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  11. Just remember... Valentine's day is Hallmark's marketing ploy!

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  12. Some girls like creepy. And some people might argue that Johnny Depp is really creepy...

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