Friday, August 31, 2012

Meno-Poise


Joan of Arc had it easy, they only burned her once.  Kellie, on the other hand, has been repeatedly tortured by hot flashes for more than two years, and there’s no sign that her inferno will extinguish anytime soon. There seemed to be nothing that I could do to help until I noticed a TV commercial for a new line of menopause products from Kimberly-Clark: Poise Roll-On Gel, Poise Body Cooling Towelettes, and Poise Personal Lubricant. I wanted to relay my discovery to Kellie, but she’s not usually receptive to my advice and suggestions, especially regarding feminine hygiene products, so I decided to test these latest innovations in menopause cooling technology myself.

As expected, I was the only male browsing through the maxi pad section of CVS. Normally I garner all sorts of weird stares and awkward glances when searching for tampons or comparing the ingredients in feminine itch creams, but my hunt for menopause elixirs hardly aroused anyone’s attention. My long hair and man boobs must have mislead the other shoppers into believing that I was just another one of the girls, albeit one residing at the far end of the ugly spectrum. With my merchandise in hand, I rushed home to begin my evaluation.

I tested the roll-on gel first. Since they only give you 1.217 ounces in each tube, I assumed that this was one very powerful cooling agent. I put a dab behind each ear. It smelled nice. (Nice is the only word that men are capable of using to describe fragrances.) I didn’t dare use a drop more out of fear that I’d turn into a mansicle. I waited several minutes but I didn't feel any cooler, not even a goose bump. Obviously I didn’t use enough. I slit the tube with a carpet knife, emptied the contents into my hands and slathered up. That didn’t work either. Now I was just smelly and sticky. After my shower, I realized that I was using the product incorrectly. It works much better if you put it in the freezer for a few hours and make ice cubes, but then it made my margarita taste nasty. Maybe I’d have better luck with the towelettes.

Right off the bat I could see that the towelettes were not going to be very effective either. Each rag measured about six inches by eight inches. That meant that each pack of 20 towels would cover about six square-feet. Unfortunately, the typical adult has anywhere from 16 to 21 square feet of skin. I stripped down and started covering what I could. The towelettes actually worked quite well, but they were highly impractical. What woman is going to walk around half naked, covered with a mosaic of little white towels while she’s having a hot flash? Unless every able bodied male in her immediate vicinity volunteered to help, the flames would be out long before the towels were in place. So far, the test results were very disappointing, and there was only one item left to test.

Now you might be asking yourself why a personal lubricant is sold as a menopause product. Well, one of the main symptoms associated with menopause is vaginal dryness. Evaluating this product proved to be a challenge because I didn’t own one of the key pieces of equipment needed for testing. Kellie has one, and sometimes she lets me play with it, but I wanted to surprise her with my initiative and concern for her well-being. Since she frequently restricts access to her equipment, I’ve developed a quick workaround for those times when I’m forced to get the job done with my own hand tools. After pounding out the test, I’m pleased to report that the personal lubricant experiment had a happy ending.

Since I found only one menopause product that was both practical and effective, I decided to stock up and purchased a case of Poise Personal Lubricant. I can’t wait to tell Kellie that relief is on the way. She’ll be so proud of me.
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I'm submitting today's post to Dude Write, the blogosphere's den of inequity for male bloggers. Stop by, sin for awhile, and don't forget to return Sunday night to vote for your favorites.


Dude Write


I couldn't make up my mind if I should submit this post to Dude Write or Yeah Write, so I decided to do both. But then I read the guidelines for the month and discovered that this post runs afoul of the rules banning family talk on the September challenge grid, plus I published it before the Sunday start time. So I'll be posting it to the the Yeah Write Speakeasy where the rules are a little more relaxed. 





21 comments:

  1. Getting the job done with your own hand tools? Funny stuff and a great post. Mrs. Chatterbox is past this stage (thank God) so fortunately I don't need to avail myself of your expertise in this area.

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  2. I think you might have been under the sea for too longer a period... self lubrication is a taboo... I would have explained to Kellie, that you need her assistance in the process and then accidently spilled some on her.....

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  3. This was hysterical! Such a thoughtful husband should make sure he records it when gives his bride a case of menopausal lubricant...you want to make sure you catch her expression of joy, right?

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  4. Wonderful work as always, my friend. Your use of verbal illustrations makes me laugh and makes me ill all at the same time.

    I'm recently come to be without equipment that I can play with, so stocking up may be in my future.

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  5. You sir, should be commended for your self sacrifice in an effort to remedy this issue.

    Since I have man-boobs myself, I may in fact venture down that isle myself. because a fellow never knows when he might need to do a little self sacrificing.

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  6. "Kellie has one and sometimes lets me play with it...restricts access to her equipment..." I cannot stop laughing! I am also impressed with how you are always willing to take one for the team!

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  7. You are an ass and I need a hot poker to burn my minds eye PERMANENTLY

    Love your sister Dina

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  8. Just braving the feminine care isle is worthy of an award. But to actually purchase the female products...and then to test them on yourself? I'm not sure if you should be stripped of your man card or awarded the biggest baddest man card there is!

    Either way, I salute you, sir Joe!

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  9. Joe, you are hilarious. Loved the post man. Keep up the great writing.


    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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  10. Oh my god Joe, the quotes I am going to be using from your blog with the trophy are priceless! By the way, I actually had to use products from that part of the aisle once....long story...

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  11. Women love men with initiative right?

    One for the team, funny stuff mate

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  12. I thought I had already commented... hmmm anyway... another great post Joe. Entertaining and to the point as always.

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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  13. I just need to know if you conducted all of your experiments within the store. I imagine that a half naked man covered in towlettes and holding a bottle of lubricant would make for quite the story around the water cooler.

    Sort of a blue light special.

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  14. You'd better be careful, Joe. Such talk about covering yourself in product might put personal lubricant companies out of business if enough women read about it.

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  15. Hehehe not sure if "proud" is the right word. Kellie will be...something about it, I'm sure. :P

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  16. Oh, holy cow! I'm snorting at my desk at work. Too funny! And good on you for taking one for the team to test all of these products...

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  17. Funny, funny and funnier... What a guy to help her through this devilish time. Commendable. Just knowing you are perusing the aisles of CVS might lessen the heat of those flashes.

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  18. Dude, you're wasting your talents. You should be getting paid by Poise (and other um, "personal product" companies) for your thorough reviews. I say do more to increase your exposure! Er, blogging exposure.

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  19. I'm dying here. And, also dying to know Kellie's reaction. This was very funny!

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  20. LOL Great post. Too late for Mrs Comedy her crisis is different. Found you via Dude Write btw.

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