Meno-Poise

Joan of Arc had it easy, they only burned her once.  Kellie, on the other hand, has been repeatedly tortured by hot flashes for more than two years, and there’s no sign that her inferno will extinguish anytime soon. There seemed to be nothing that I could do to help until I noticed a TV commercial for a new line of menopause products from Kimberly-Clark: Poise Roll-On Gel, Poise Body Cooling Towelettes, and Poise Personal Lubricant. I wanted to relay my discovery to Kellie, but she’s not usually receptive to my advice and suggestions, especially regarding feminine hygiene products, so I decided to test these latest innovations in menopause cooling technology myself.

As expected, I was the only male browsing through the maxi pad section of CVS. Normally I garner all sorts of weird stares and awkward glances when searching for tampons or comparing the ingredients in feminine itch creams, but my hunt for menopause elixirs hardly aroused anyone’s attention. My long hair and man boobs must have mislead the other shoppers into believing that I was just another one of the girls, albeit one residing at the far end of the ugly spectrum. With my merchandise in hand, I rushed home to begin my evaluation.

I tested the roll-on gel first. Since they only give you 1.217 ounces in each tube, I assumed that this was one very powerful cooling agent. I put a dab behind each ear. It smelled nice. (Nice is the only word that men are capable of using to describe fragrances.) I didn’t dare use a drop more out of fear that I’d turn into a mansicle. I waited several minutes but I didn't feel any cooler, not even a goose bump. Obviously I didn’t use enough. I slit the tube with a carpet knife, emptied the contents into my hands and slathered up. That didn’t work either. Now I was just smelly and sticky. After my shower, I realized that I was using the product incorrectly. It works much better if you put it in the freezer for a few hours and make ice cubes, but then it made my margarita taste nasty. Maybe I’d have better luck with the towelettes.

Right off the bat I could see that the towelettes were not going to be very effective either. Each rag measured about six inches by eight inches. That meant that each pack of 20 towels would cover about six square-feet. Unfortunately, the typical adult has anywhere from 16 to 21 square feet of skin. I stripped down and started covering what I could. The towelettes actually worked quite well, but they were highly impractical. What woman is going to walk around half naked, covered with a mosaic of little white towels while she’s having a hot flash? Unless every able bodied male in her immediate vicinity volunteered to help, the flames would be out long before the towels were in place. So far, the test results were very disappointing, and there was only one item left to test.

Now you might be asking yourself why a personal lubricant is sold as a menopause product. Well, one of the main symptoms associated with menopause is vaginal dryness. Evaluating this product proved to be a challenge because I didn’t own one of the key pieces of equipment needed for testing. Kellie has one, and sometimes she lets me play with it, but I wanted to surprise her with my initiative and concern for her well-being. Since she frequently restricts access to her equipment, I’ve developed a quick workaround for those times when I’m forced to get the job done with my own hand tools. After pounding out the test, I’m pleased to report that the personal lubricant experiment had a happy ending.

Since I found only one menopause product that was both practical and effective, I decided to stock up and purchased a case of Poise Personal Lubricant. I can’t wait to tell Kellie that relief is on the way. She’ll be so proud of me.
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I'm submitting today's post to Dude Write, the blogosphere's den of inequity for male bloggers. Stop by, sin for awhile, and don't forget to return Sunday night to vote for your favorites.




I couldn't make up my mind if I should submit this post to Dude Write or Yeah Write, so I decided to do both. But then I read the guidelines for the month and discovered that this post runs afoul of the rules banning family talk on the September challenge grid, plus I published it before the Sunday start time. So I'll be posting it to the the Yeah Write Speakeasy where the rules are a little more relaxed.