Wednesday, September 5, 2012

My Secret Fantasy


I harbor a secret fantasy, but indulging it poses a serious risk to my marriage. Many men, I’m sure, face a similar dilemma, a longing to taste the forbidden fruit that brings only fleeting ecstasy and, yet, ultimately yields unending grief. Too much mental energy is wasted imagining the impossible. Too many nights I awaken in a cold sweat, unable to release the obsession that steals my sleep. Too may days are lost to wasted daydreams, contemplating how to transform my phantasmagoria into reality. Unless Kellie is willing to grant me one dispensation, I am destined to perish with this urgent desire left unsatisfied. She could let me fulfill my wildest fantasy. All she has to do is let me win just one damn argument.

After 15 years of marriage, despite my superior intellect and education, I cannot recall ever having won a single debate with my wife. There’s no occasion that I can recall where Kellie acceded to my line of reasoning. Once, just once, I would love to hear her say: “Yes dear, I see your point; you’re right.”

My continual defeats are not the result of a lack of preparation. I am a trained warrior, after all, and I never engage Kellie without thoroughly rehearsing my battle plan. I war game the engagement countless times, conducting an imaginary dialogue where I consider every possible objection and prepare for even the most unlikely contingencies. Only after evaluating multiple iterations of the encounter do I dare step onto the field of honor.

Of course, it’s only a simulation, a mental exercise where I play the part of Kellie and myself. And like most simulations, the process suffers from fidelity problems. Imaginary Kellie, who only exists as a figment of my delusions, does not always respond in the same manner as Real Kellie. Because the simulation is conducted within the confines of my mind, Imaginary Kellie tends to acquire cognitive abilities that are actually my own. Hence, Imaginary Kellie tends to be more logical and rational than Real Kellie, and Imaginary Kellie always succumbs to my reasoning and surrenders to my point of view. As a result, I often wander into battle with an unjustified sense of security.

Having lost all the battles, I should acknowledge defeat, surrender, and accept Kellie's mantra: "Happy wife, happy life." Maybe I should adopt a mantra of my own: “Yes, dear, whatever you desire."

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I'll be hanging with the dudes at Dude Write again.

Dude Write

27 comments:

  1. LOL. I let my hubs win a few so he's not bitter about my awesome skills. See it's not so much that you guys lose, as we talk you in circles so well that you forget what you were arguing about in the first place.

    Good luck in your next argument - you'll probably need it ;)

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  2. I swear I bust into multiple orgasms when I hear Doc H mutter, "You're right."

    Lucky for me, it happens often, so I'm happy wife.

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    1. Doc H know that? He could use that knowledge against you.

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  3. I've been married for nearly forty years and I win most of the debates, because I'm a masterful debater. But these are only battles. Wars are played with weapons nastier than nuclear devices---emotions. Women are armed to the teeth with these dreadful weapons. We guys are like cavemen throwing rocks at tanks.

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    Replies
    1. If you didn't win so many arguments, then you wouldn't have to master-debate so much.

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    2. Lol Joe! If you could win Color Commentator on a comment reply, this one is in it to win it.

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  4. Ah, my dear caterpillar. You bring a sword to a gunfight and are dismayed when they don’t find your shell casing.

    Forget your intellect and education. Kellie posses the tool of misperception and this trumps all in the game of rock/paper/scissors.

    Case in point: let’s revert back to Kellies facebook page where she listed “napping” as an activity (this one, by the way, receives the standing salute). It is tempting to follow the logic and reason of your male two dimensional perceptions and insist that the lack of “activity” indeed fails to categorize this as an “activity”. HOEWEVER, here’s the reality:

    ANY woman found horizontal in bed by her husband at any given time is BAIT. If she happens to have the flu, hell, that’s practically an invitation. We are always on the defense of a frontal assault or attack from behind. Therefore (follow me here) NAPPING is actually FOREPLAY which, last I looked, was indeed an “activity”…… and you lose your argument again.
    See?
    :)

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    1. I am humbled by your wisdom, Karen.

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  5. As Westley says in The Princess Bride, you can change up that answer from time to time with "As you wish" ;-). And as we say with the kids, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

    I give you so much credit, however, for sweating it out and rehearsing and being totally prepared. Yet....somehow, we can turn it and spin it to fit every single scenario as we see it. Funny how that happens. Wish I won them all but my record is very high (because some I don't care enough about?).

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  6. I think you should get a blowup Imaginary Kellie Doll

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  7. Mark Gungor addresses this issue quite nicely:

    http://youtu.be/0BxckAMaTDc

    His comments about how men think and women think are pretty spot on.

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    Replies
    1. All is so clear now. It also explains why, when a woman asks: "What are you thinking, dear?" a man can honesty rely, "Nothing."

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  8. Oh, competition closed. I can't imagine anything better than winning an argument with my (apparently soon to be ex) wife. She is stubborn as the day is long. I've tried the arguing directly with raised voice. I've tried the low speaking and logical. I've worked the I'm going to accept your every point in hopes you accept mine...my God even a spirited "I know you are but what am I" fails!

    I too would like to enjoy the spoils of a minor skirmish, let alone an all out war.

    Perhaps the next one will be better.

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  9. Even if you win you'll only think you won. Yes dear works wonders :)

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  10. There is no winning. You just smile and say, "Yes, dear," and move on. Living to fight another day IS winning. lol

    I feel for you man. Great post.

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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  11. The only time my wife ever agrees with me is when I call myself a lazy piece of shit. And she agrees so enthusiastically that it makes up for all the times she disagrees!

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  12. You're too nice, and too willing to accept defeat on the field of battle. If I can't win an argument when logic and good judgment clearly favor me, I resort to other tactics:
    --Hiding the tampons
    --Buying obscure dark beers and liquors she doesn't like
    --Leaving my shoes on her side of the bed
    --Tampering with ambient devices (lighting, windows, room temperature) that she feels she has a monopoly on.

    I can go on, but I think you get the picture. Enjoy the smug satisfaction of your underhanded revenge, but get some better pictures than that blurry photo you posted, 'cuz that’s as close to real flesh as you’re gonna get, brother. Every battle has its price…

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    Replies
    1. Chuck, there's a problem with each of your suggestions. I'll address them in order.

      1. She's in menopause.
      2. She does the shopping.
      3. She doesn't care.
      4. It only agitates the beast.

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  13. The thing is, we men win numerous battles, but we don't realize it. Here's when to recognize that you've won a battle: When a woman feels she is on the losing side of a debate, she unleashes the most unholy of personal insults. This releases rage hormones in your body and you lose control of your mind placing you at a disadvantage. Just know when the personal insults start coming, you've won the debate. Now all that's left is controlling your temper when it comes to the name calling (Courteousy of Bill Burr [comedian]).

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  14. Another great blogger found through the Dude Write! How did I get so lucky?

    I love this post! It's true, we women can be quite skilled at arguing and we remember everything!

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  15. That is the beauty of being single.

    The only scary part is when you start having arguments with yourself.

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    Replies
    1. It is scarier when your voices beat you with a more coherent and well researched debate

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  16. long ago, I learned that "yes dear" are the two most important words a married man can utter

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  17. Even when I'm right, and I have pulled reference sources from scientific journals, my GF won't believe anything I say until Jamie Oliver says it on TV.

    I have told her time and time again where the "meat" in chicken nuggets come from, because I have done work in the factory and saw it with my own eyes, but it wasn't until the TV show "Jamie's School Dinners" when she believed me. And then she tried to convince me that it was I all along who didn't know where nuggets came from.

    So I hear you mate, there is NO winning.

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  18. Hmmmm this makes me a bit paranoid. My girlfriend has conceded arguments before and even uttered the magic words - "you're right".

    Do you think it's a secret ploy to lull me into a false sense of security, or is shejust letting me have a few final victories before we get married?!

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