Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Evolution: The Visual Ape

Men are visual creatures. When a woman enters a man’s visual field, electrical signals flood the optic nerves, lighting up synapses throughout the cerebral cortex, triggering the neck to rotate so that the eyes can lock on and commence tracking. The behavior is pure reflex, an involuntary muscle reaction, like breathing, over which men have almost no control. Most women tolerate this reaction from their men, not because they believe the common refrain that it’s okay to look but not to touch, but because they have come to realize that there is no hope of altering this behavior. Performing the movement is not without risk to the male, either from the swift backhand of a not so understanding mate, or from the serious internal injuries that can result from frequent and violent twisting of the head and neck. As my x-rays reveal, severe cases will require extensive surgery. 









The briefest glimpse of a female is enough to produce arousal in men. It is not even necessary for the female to be physically present, a picture will do quite nicely. That’s why there are more porn websites that cater to men than to women, at least according to my findings after hours of long, hard, bleary-eyed research. And the image does not necessarily have to be a photograph of a woman. Anything that’s remotely suggestive of the feminine form, especially breasts, is often sufficient. The reason is unclear, but mushrooms, mountains, and, mangos; cacti and oranges; and even light fixtures, are all known to trigger a sexual response in men. 













Why are men so visually excitable? Evolution. Millions of years of natural selection have eliminated less visually stimulated men from the gene pool. The characteristics displayed by the modern male were forged millions of years ago, long before Homo Erectus got up the nerve to migrate out of the African savanna. Those males who were the quickest to become aroused in the presence of a female achieved greater reproductive success and quickly became predominant within the population. 

Imagine three of our apelike ancestors, all male, sitting in an open grassy plain, drinking fermented berry juice, watching their buddies play kick the coconut. Each male is primarily aroused through one of their five senses: the first is aroused by sweet fragrances, the second is aroused by pleasant sounds, and the third is aroused at the sight of a female form. Now imagine that a female of the species saunters by at the far end of the playing field. All the apemen notice the feminine creature and turn to look.  Consider how each of them responds in this situation.

The male who requires olfactory stimulation is not likely to become particularly motivated. A female walking around in the hot African sun, covered with hair, unable to bathe properly because soap is still several millennia away, is not likely to smell like Channel No. 5. Have you ever seen chimpanzees in the zoo? They play with their feces? She probably smelled like L' Air du Shit. Our nasally sensitive male will not be induced to close the gap and procreate.

Next we have our aurally aroused primate. At this stage of human evolution, language had not developed and females just babbled incoherently, only capable of producing grating, screeching noises that made the body hair on males stand on end (there are obviously some things that evolution cannot fix). I've posted about the evolution of hearing before so I won't belabor the point here, just recognize that this racket won’t engender proliferation of the species.

Finally, we have our visually excitable friend. Just a glimpse of a female is sufficient to raise his interest and send him off in hot pursuit. In what is now recognized as the earliest precursor to the dinner and movie dating ritual, he'd offer her some of his banana and berries while inviting her back to his place to look at his cave etchings. This fellow achieved the highest reproductive success. Today, his progeny vastly outnumber those males who are aroused via the other senses, a group collectively referred to as "sensitive men."

So ladies, next time some lecher is staring at your breasts instead of making eye contact, don’t get indignant; he can’t help himself. It's in his genes, and he just wants to share them with you. It's evolution.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm submitting today's story toYeah Write.



And since I been suffering from a writing drought, today's post will have to do double duty at Dude Write.

Dude Write

Dude Write

37 comments:

  1. You're back!!! And funny as always!!! Except for those xrays... Kellie must have really whacked you upside the head hard when you did a double take on those oranges!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Haha, very clever! I don't remember reading about this in any Darwinian studies...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have to take the advanced course.

      Delete
  3. Very funny and I totally agree. But that doesn't mean I don't get ticked when my spouse's eyes wander.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You make a compelling argument. Can't argue with evolution. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Those oranges are unbelievably hot! Do children look at this site? maybe you need a disclaimer. Just kidding. Great post.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm staying out of this, I have multiple problems according to your catagories.....

    ReplyDelete
  7. Haha! Love the reference to all of your research. I found this really funny!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hahhaha I really like this explanation. Makes sense to me (as Boyfriend continues to watch "Brazilian Butt Lift" infomercials on mute)...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Gia, this so proves my point. I bet if we had smellavision he would turn that down too.

      Delete
  9. Uh, huh..."It's just in his genes and he wants to share them with you" along those lines. Or we can do the chin lift or a thumbs up in front of them meaning eyes up! That works too. Loved the "fermented berry juice".

    Is that really your neck? I had a 4" plate and six screws put in mine in June (C5-7)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hate that damn chin lift. Sometimes our heads get so heavy we have to rest them.

      Delete
  10. Yes, Gina, that really is my neck. I have an artificial disc at C5-6 and fusion at C6-7.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thanks for pulling me away from my stripper video for this.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Definitely made me laugh :) ... And yet so scientifically accurate ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I think my hubby subscribes to this theory, too. At least he tell sme he does...

    ReplyDelete
  14. oh my word this is hysterical. the photos send it over the top. awesome. :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Snicker. Darwin meets the Modern (and not so modern) male. Survival of the fittest becomes survival of the visual learning horniest. That last line is a riot.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I think Homer Simpson said it best when reprimanded by a lady as to where her eyes are.

    "I've made my choice, thanks!"

    Women ARE lovely creatures. I don't blame you at all. And it's for the good of your health, so oogle away: http://news.softpedia.com/news/10-Minutes-Of-Staring-Boobs-Daily-Prolongs-Man-039-s-Life-by-5-Years-72490.shtml

    (Also--can you add name/URL to your comment options--I don't have the others and I don't use my LJ anymore. You can find me at: http://truthfully.ca)

    ReplyDelete
  17. What did you say? I was too distracted by your photo on the grid.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hilarious. I love the cactus picure. This was educational and well written. I love the funny.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hysterical! What a perfectly rational explanation. I see now that men just can't help themselves. But don't let women fool ya, we look, too...we're just a lot more subtle about it :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Talk about evolution always makes me depressed, because I'm definitely one of the weak, sick ones that would've gotten culled from the herd in less civilized days. Nature is pleased I will likely never breed.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Women look, too. We're just more subtle when we do it. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Wow. Way to justify sexism. http://rlbrody.com/2012/09/20/creepy-creepers-and-the-creeps-who-excuse-them/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not sure how you failed to catch the joke here. I'm not justifying the behavior, I'm mocking it.

      Delete
  23. This post explains a lot! My longing to visit the mountains and my profound love for mushrooms! It also explains why I like to stare at light fixtures and hold oranges!

    It really is an involuntary action. When I'm out with my wife, I try like hell not to look. I tell myself "Don't look, it will piss her off!" yet my head still turns on a swivel and my eyes lock on to the target. I even look when I don't want to. Like an old lady bent over in a grocery store....my mind is saying "For the love of God don't look!" My eyes still trail in that direction even though they know it's not attractive.

    Involuntary!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Ouch! That neck injury looks like it was very painful. Injured while in the service?

    You're right about the visual stimuli. It's just so natural for us men to see boobs or butts in the visual world around us.

    Great post as usual.

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was in the service at the time of the injury, but took a fall snowboarding. I don't snowboard any more.

      Delete
  25. Wait...are those boob plants? I can grow boobs in my backyard? Oh my God, that is freaking awesome!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  26. I've been looking for a scientific excuse as to why I'm a perve. If you can explain my photographs taken from the bushes in an evolutionary manner, I'd be grateful.

    ReplyDelete
  27. The next time I get slapped, I'm going to send the offended lass to this page. I can't help myself, ladies!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hehe, you said "Erect" hehe.

    Seriously, all this time with the neck pain, I'm OK knowing it is in my genes and I just need a woman to want my banana and berries...

    WG

    ReplyDelete