Friday, August 24, 2012

Indecision Kills


I was doing speed limit, 35 MPH, which seemed to be the common practice in Alaska, unlike back home in California where you're a traffic hazard if you move at anything less than 80 MPH, when a Mr. Squirrel darted out into the road.
It was only a two lane road, and if he had just maintained his course and speed he would have easily made it to the opposite side, but apparently squirrels are not very adept at estimating the relative motion of moving objects. After safely crossing my lane, Mr. Squirrel must have noticed the oncoming car in the opposite direction, and in a moment of indecision, he halted and reversed direction. Back in my lane again, Mr. Squirrel must have realized that his position with respect to me was now much more precarious than it had been previously, so he reversed direction yet again. Once in the opposite lane, the error of his last maneuver became immediately obvious and he jumped back into my lane. This process repeated itself in an accelerated fashion as the two cars closed in on Mr. Squirrel. I slowed, but I couldn't stop before reaching the little critter. He passed safely between my front wheels. From that point on I can only conjecture about what transpired since Mr. Squirrel was under my car and out of sight. A prudent squirrel would have just stood fast and allowed both vehicles to pass, but evolution had work to do and that was not the course of action Mr. Squirrel chose to take. I'm not sure what was going through his mind (besides my tire), but Mr. Squirrel chose to change direction one last time.  I heard a brief, dull thud and felt my left rear tire hit a small bump. I was hoping that I had hit a pothole, but a quick glance in my rear view mirror made it clear that I had my first confirmed kill.

Inspired by all the other big game trophies I'd seen while traveling in Alaska, I decided to retrieve Mr. Squirrel and give him a proper tribute. 




Mr Squirrel: ? – August 18, 2012
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17 comments:

  1. So sad, yet, I'll admit... I laughed... :-o

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  2. That happened to me once too but I didn't think to mount it....

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  3. Ahahaha. Rest in peace, Mr. Squirrel.

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  4. Good thing you didn't run over its head.

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  5. Our job is to drive.
    Their job is to get out of the way.
    He didn't get out of the way...

    Or something like was an awesome Seinfeld episode that you got to live out.

    WG

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  6. Poor little dumb squirrel. As The Eagles are fond of saying...he took it to the limit....one more time. And his ass lost. You know, I'll bet you could sell that plaque to The Bloggess and make top dollar.

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  7. Nasty little buggers, cute looking --- but nasty...

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  8. Squirrels are dumbasses, coming from an area littered with them, I never once thought to mount a squirrel....wait that sounded wrong.

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  9. I've recently experienced a rash of bird slayings. For some reason, birds love to fly into the grill of my SUV while I'm driving. The last one I had to literally dig its wing out from the cracks of my headlight. Just the other week I walked to my car only to find a baby bird sitting on top of my front tire. If I hadn't noticed it, it would have been pavement topping for sure. Is my car a shrine to the bird gods or something? Jeeesh!

    Nice one Joe, enjoyed it! You've inspired me to write a post about this. :)


    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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  10. Oh man, poor squirrel. Reminds me of Louis CK talking about deer!

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  11. Oh, no, poor little guy! That is the worst! I remember a seagull once was flying in front of my car while I was driving on the expressway. There was nowhere else for me to go, as there were cars on either side of me. The seagull had picked up some sort of trash from the road and it was weighing him down, so it was taking him longer to fly out of the way. If the greedy guy had only dropped the trash, he would have been fine, but instead, he coudn't get high enough and flew right into my car. He died, naturally, and I sobbed for the rest of the day. He should have just dropped the trash!

    So two good lessons from nature...don't be indecisive and don't be greedy! :)

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    1. I don't think getting hit by a car is considered a natural death.

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  12. At least it was a 'clean' kill? I can't tell you how many times I have straddled an animal instead of hitting it, only to hear it 'thud' against my undercarriage as I drive by.

    Somewhere on highway 20 there is a gaggle of retarded rabbits, stumbling around because of their brain damage...

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  13. I don't get very upset by killing animals in the road. I don't do it on purpose of course, but it happens occasionally. However, I once took out 4 puppies at once. A dog darted across the road and her pups were right behind her.

    There were seven pups and I only killed four, but it hung with me for a while.

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  14. That picture made me laugh so loud, my cubicle neighbor came over to see what I was laughing at. Great post!

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  15. Ever run over a pig? Those things are incredibly dense and will do a bit of damage. I suggest defensive driving if you're ever in a run-down with a pig.

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  16. HiLARious! This was short, to the point, and SO understandable. We've all seen that squirrel.

    Personally, I've re-hit roadkill, but I've only personally killed birds. One that was just sitting there and I assumed it would move...and it didn't, and one that flew into my grill. Nice.

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