Monday, September 30, 2013

Less Housework, More Sex


Al Bundy, enticing his wife.
I never intended to mislead my readers, but apparently that's what I've done. In a previous post, The Secret To Having More Sex (With Your Wife), I told my fellow husbands that doing more housework would lead to more sex. It seems I was wrong – oops, sorry – but it wasn’t my fault. I was a victim of the self-serving, feminist propaganda machine that controls every major network and cable news outlet, all of whom ran stories claiming that the reward for helping with chores was more sex. Internet sites helped spread the lie too. The Huffington Post ran Why Housework Will Get You Some, and the communist website China Daily pressed their massive misinformation machine into service by publishing Men who do housework may get more sex.

A new study in the American Sociological Review, released earlier this year, found that men who perform traditionally female chores get 50% less sex, proving again that nice guys finish last, or least they have to finish by themselves. When men perform female chores it makes them seem less masculine and less desirable sexually.

As a diehard fan of the TV series Married With Children, I should have been immune to intellectual folly that led me to believe that mucking a toilet would lead to rutting in the bedroom. Al Bundy didn’t have a domestic bone in his body. He preferred to recline in front of the television with his right hand comfortably tucked into his trousers, yet his wife, Peg, pursued him relentlessly, constantly begging for sex.


June Cleaver
My new advice for husbands is to follow what I call the Al Bundy rule: Don’t do any chore that Al wouldn’t do, which doesn’t leave much. Do not wash a dish, mop a floor or do laundry. Do not cook a meal, make a bed or arrange couch pillows. If June Cleaver did it, then men shouldn’t. Performing typical male tasks is fine, however. Checking the oil dipstick, mowing the lawn and screwing and unscrewing light bulbs all help enhance a husband’s aura of virility.

It’s not enough to avoid housework, men must also engage in activities that scream, “I AM A MAN, DAMN IT!” Once again, Al Bundy provides the example for us lesser men to follow. Now I enjoy professional sports, but I rarely devote much time to watching millionaires toss a ball around. That’s about to change. Starting next weekend, I’m going to grab my big 52-inch Samsung, plant my ass on the couch, drink beer, watch NFL Sunday, shove my hand in my crotch and scratch my balls. Nothing better coveys an image of manliness quite like rooting around your own pants, playing hacky sack.

I can’t wait until Kellie gets home so I can tell her the good news about my plans to give our sex life a kick. She’ll be so impressed. I would have started the whole ball scratching thing this past weekend but she was on cruise ship with her mother. They took a long weekend excursion to Mexico. I stayed home to chauffeur our daughter to and from her cheerleading practice, tend to our dogs and prepare for a visit from our from our Belgian friends by cleaning the house. 



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm back on Yeah Write again. Are you?




35 comments:

  1. Damn! Now I have to shift gears.Oh well...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, but it's always better to know the truth.

      Delete
  2. I'm sure your wife will be quite taken with your new approach :) (As I breath a sigh of relief that my husband doesn't read blogs...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She must love the idea because I've never that smile she gave me after explaining my new approach.

      Delete
  3. If my hubs did more housework, he would get laid more often because I'd be less exhausted! But I agree that doing manly chores makes men sexier. Heck, I even think he's hot when he kills a silverfish for me. (Those things give me the super creeps)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You might think that's the case, Jen, but the research says otherwise. You can't argue with science – it's never wrong.

      Delete
  4. Damn it! Now I'm real confused! I've tried the doing house chores thing and it didn't work. I am currently doing the Al Bundy thing in which my hand is shoved in my pants while watching football and drinking beer. Heck, I've even thrown in the occasional smoking of foreign substances just for good measure! I've even tried doing the masculine chores thing but to no avail!

    I'm running out of options here! Please help and fast!

    Sincerely,

    A concerned left hand.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dan, I'm sorry about the confusion. Just stick to the Al Bundy rule and I promise you that your life will never be the same again.

      Delete
  5. You can find research to support anything...I was never more attracted to my guy than when he had a vacuum in his hand... and its not the kind youre thinking of...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, but these latest findings really resonate with me. There's nothing more satisfying than finding science that confirms my biases.

      Delete
  6. I've tested both theories and neither worked for me... I think there is something else at play here. :-P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You may have just detected a ripple in The Matrix.

      Delete
  7. I'm in a quandry. We have two husbands in my house, so I'm not sure which I should be doing: scratching my balls or performing chores. I think I'll stick by the old standby "I'm bored, wanna have sex?" It's always worked for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have an unfair advantage; you don't have an opposite sex to deal with.

      Delete
  8. Good post, cracked me up. They should make a book for men, The Sexual Hunger Games: May the odds be never in your favor.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You know why that housework thing doesn't work in my house? After he does whatever he decides to do, I have to do it over again because he did it half-assed. But thanks for playing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We do that on purpose in the hope that you'll never ask us to help again.

      Delete
  10. I would jump my husband's bones hourly if he actually did any housework. When he does vacuum or put a dish in the dishwasher, he expects the news trucks to show up and shower him with adoration. Ain't nobody got time for that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Does he know that? Did you actually try it? I don't think so. Men are like Pavlov's dogs. We're trainable when conditioned properly. Even the dullest husband would quickly make the connection between housework and sex.

      Delete
  11. This was flat out great writing. I could have stopped reading at the second sentence of first paragraph -- which was set up beautifully by the first paragraph. We are all living in a 600 ft space while our home is being remodeled. Four people, one dog and two cats living in 600 ft. I don't know if a daily maid service or cook could do much to jump start me at this point.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How much longer do you have to stay in that environment? Under those conditions I'd be more worried about survival than sex.

      Delete
  12. Scratching my balls and then immediately doing the chores (drying the pots) didn't get me anywhere with Mrs Jones - I just don't understand women.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did you wash your hands before you started drying the pots? Given your previous activity I can understand why Mrs. Jones might have ignored you.

      Delete
  13. Yeah, see...the problem is, he'll load the dishwasher and it won't be loaded for optimum capacity and I'll get all irritated and then...no sex. Wait. Did I just admit that? No. I'm talking about a friend of mine...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, you did admit it, and you also violated another rule. If you want us to suck an egg, then you can't tell us how to suck it.

      Delete
  14. I'm keeping this one hidden from my husband...not that he helps around the house anyway, but still I remain hopeful...

    ReplyDelete
  15. OMG - did my husband read this?? I HATE to admit it, but you might be onto something here. He did ignore the dishes in the sink and that laundry pile this morning, only to catch Mike & Mike on the boob tube. And then I did ravish him....wtf? SO UNFAIR. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for confirming validity of this important research. I know that men everywhere will be grateful.

      Delete
  16. Love the ending, but mostly this line: "Nothing better coveys an image of manliness quite like rooting around your own pants, playing hacky sack."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I haven't had the opportunity yet to try this technique myself, but I hear it's very effective.

      Delete
  17. Joe, I use that line all the time "millionaires playing with balls"...lol...I thought I was the only one... guess not!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great minds think alike. I wonder if that makes me a madman too.

      Delete