Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The True Cause of Global Warming

Since the mid 19th century, the average temperature of the Earth’s atmosphere has risen by 0.8 oC, with most of the temperature rise occurring in the last 30 years. The global warming environazis want us to believe that man’s industrial activities are the cause, but a relatively straightforward calculation proves that men are blameless. Full responsibility for an overheating globe lies squarely in the failing wombs of menopausal women.

We only need two pieces of information to prove that menopausal women are responsible for the observed 0.8 oC increase in atmospheric temperatures: the mass of the atmosphere being warmed and the total heat produced by all menopausal women throughout history.

The mass of the atmosphere is 5.3x1018 kg, but since menopausal heat will only rise to an altitude of 3031 feet, only 10 percent of the total atmospheric mass is affected. So I’ll use 5.3x1017 kg as the mass of the atmosphere being heated.

Obtaining the total heat released by all women is not as simple. First, we just need to know how many people have ever lived on Earth. Numerous estimates put that number at approximately 107 billion. If half of them were women, we get 53.5 billion hot-flashing women dumping waste heat into the atmosphere since 8,000 BC. Just how much heat does each woman release. In one of my earlier posts, The Thermodynamics of Menopause, I calculated the heat released during the average hot flash to be 137,412 joules. Since my wife, Kellie, has a hot flash every 45 minutes, that yields more than 58,000 flashes over a 5 year period, which I’ll assume is a typical value. Now we simply have to calculate total heat. 

Heat(Q) = 5.35 x 1010 women x 137kJ/flash x 58,000 flashes


Q =4.2 x 1017 kJ

To solve for the temperature change of the atmosphere, I’ll use the equation


Q = Cp × m × ∆T


where


Cp = specific heat capacity of air 

m = mass of the atmosphere being heated
∆T = temperature change of atmosphere

Rearranging the terms and solving for ∆T we get


∆T = (Q/Cp × m)


∆T = (4.2 x 1017 kJ)/((1.0kJ/kg-oC× (5.3 x 1017 kg))


∆T = 0.79 ±  0.02 oC


Q.E.D.

The result agrees so well with the observed rise of 0.80 oC that it's almost unbelievable. The precision and accuracy of the preceding calculation clearly demonstrates female culpability for the global warming crisis.

Can the medical industry do anything to quench the female fires? Sadly, they cannot. Even if we immediately devoted the world's entire industrial capacity to the production of estrogen, we couldn't manufacture enough of the hormone to stem the growing torrent of heat flowing from an aging female population.

Recalling the 1992 book by John Gray, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, we can now appreciate why the surface temperature of Venus is a scorching 467 oC. To avoid a similar fate here on Earth, there is only one thing we can do. Menopausal women must be relocated to a cooler planet. Mars, whose surface temperature is typically a refreshing 55 oC below zero, is an ideal location. Not only will it make menopausal women more comfortable, they just might warm the planet enough to make Mars habitable again. It’s a win-win for everyone.
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24 comments:

  1. You lost me at all the math, but theoretically, your argument is sound...

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    1. If you couldn't follow it, then I done my job correctly.

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  2. Q = Cp × m × ∆T? This is maths? I'm lost
    Where does your formula make allowances for women who have not yet reached menopause?
    Don't they also have cold flashes? In theory wouldn't this effectively cancel the effects of the hot flashes??

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    Replies
    1. Cold flashes? Never heard of them.

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  3. I knew there must be more to it than what Al Gore was telling us.

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    1. Yes, Marcy, but now that you know that you'll eventually be part of the problem, the question is, what will you do about it?

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    2. I will wait for your research to bear fruit. But hurry. I am not getting any younger.

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  4. "quench the female fire." my friend, if you figure that out, you will make way more money than the genius who reverses global warming.

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  5. I think your formula is flawed. Isn't the world's population more than 50% women?

    Of course, then I think that likely just goes to further prove your point....

    They could have used you in marketing that one-way ticket to Mars thing.

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    Replies
    1. You are correct about the population distribution. As you seem to have recognized, I was making a conservative estimate.

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  6. Replies
    1. We're a little short on manned vehicles right now.

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  7. haha very funny! I haven't used a delta in quite some time

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  8. ROFLOL...I'll move to Mars! PLEASE...do you promise it will help?!

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  9. But "you" would miss us!!! AND our heat. Right???

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    Replies
    1. Yes, we would miss you, but it's a sacrifice we must make for the good of the planet.

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  10. Um, wait, uh.. Was there a banana bread recipe in the middle of all that somewhere? (Good, although utterly baffling, post.)

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    1. No bananas, just a little thermodynamics.

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  11. Impeccable logic. Your hypothesis has been mathematically proven beyond reasonable doubt.

    Given the way that Mrs Jones has been behaving recently, I'd wager that she alone accounts for 0.4 degrees of the rise in the earth's temperature.

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  12. All the math I understand is e=mc hammer. However, I do understand great humor writing and this was it. As a pre-menopausal globe warmer, I applaud you! ;)

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  13. Oh this is brilliant!! I confess that I have contributed to this crisis and I would gladly take the trip to Mars to cultivate civilization with the masses of women. I'm good with that. Perhaps there is a formula for the men's cold detached cognitive reactions that equalize the heat of the woman? May that be your next research project!!!!

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