Monday, August 19, 2013

The Menopause Bomb

Credit: James Cridland
Over the past few weeks, one of my older posts, The Thermodynamics of Menopause, has been getting flooded with hits from the Ukraine. That post explained how my wife’s 35,000 hot flashes released energy equivalent to 4,809 sticks of dynamite. There’s only two possible explanations for the sudden Ukrainian interest in Kellie’s World: They're either having a global warming induced menopause crisis and they’re looking for expert help, or terrorists working out of the former Soviet Republic are trying to weaponize menopausal women. I hope that I wasn’t the cause of those recent terror warnings that lead to the closure of several U.S. Embassies across the Middle East.

Kellie’s hot flashes occurred over a three year period, limiting the instantaneous energy release and thus minimizing collateral damage. I was the only one hurt. If terrorists could somehow synchronize the hot flashes of 35,000 women, they would possess a powerful explosive capable of evading any current detection technology. To effectively combat this new threat we need to assess which targets are most vulnerable. 

This new explosive cannot bring down an aircraft since few planes are capable of carrying enough passengers to achieve detonation. At worst, the cabin might get a little warm. Cruise ships, however, are more vulnerable. The largest vessels can carry over 5000 passengers, half of whom are presumably women. Fortunately, the average age of cruise ship passengers is over 80, well past menopause, and any attempt to fashion an improvised explosive device from these women would be a dud.


The most likely target for a weapon of mass deovulation is sports stadium, some of which can hold over 100,000 people. With a capacity of 150,000, Rungnado May Day Stadium in North Korea appears vulnerable, but it’s probably safe since average life expectancy there is so short few women live long enough to reach menopause. 


I’m much more concerned about the risk to venues here in the United States. The largest stadiums in this country host collegiate football teams. Luckily, most college girls are premenopausal and their explosive potential has not yet fully matured, and while 40,000 wild, screaming, drunken coeds might make middle-aged men worry about a premature detonation, I doubt there’s any real risk of getting blown away. 


Professional sports venues are another matter. MetLife Stadium, home of the New York Giants, has a capacity of 82,500. It’s clearly large enough to assemble a critical mass of menopausal women. Given the Giants’ dismal performance last season, forlorn husbands might use their wives to assemble a domestic device and eliminate two disappointments in a single strike. 


I’m expecting a knock on my door any minute now from National Security Agency officials. If the PRISM surveillance program failed to detect the subversive nature of my thermodynamics post, this one will undoubtedly get caught. 

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41 comments:

  1. I receive more visits from Russia and its former satellite states than is reasonable and I think much of the spam I receive is generated in these areas.

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    1. THe Ukraine is a new one for me. Luckily, I'm not getting any spam - yet.

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  2. It would be a very expensive explosive to say the least because only a really well-moneyvated menopausal woman would choose to sit in a stadium in the heat. ;)

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  3. shhhh it's top secret. menopausal women are uniting with pre menstrual women and we're going to rule the world! BAHAHAHAH

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    1. Don't tell Kelly! He'll post all about it in full technical detail and our plans will be thwarted. Plus, all those readers in the Ukraine will find out!

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    2. Um, it's okay to tell Kellie. I meant don't tell Joe.
      Damn my hormones. I can't spell or remember or make any sense.

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    3. Women are going to rule the world? You're already in charge.

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  4. with the government monitoring our internet activity so closely I would think you would be more careful with national secrets...

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  5. Okay, it's obvious that Ukraine is planning a nuclear attack on the U.S. I'd alert the CIA, if I were you.

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    1. I don't think that's necessary. I'm confident that your comment got picked up by PRISM.

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  6. Clever post, I wonder if they will think that this is written in code. BTW, I think that they are keeping hot-flashing women out of Ravens stadium. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

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  7. Now I'm questioning everything I've ever thought about you, Joe. I think you're an enemy spy sent undercover and your blog is just the way you send your "research" into menopause back to the motherland...

    And, as always, I adore your humor!

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    1. Trust me, I'm not a spy - just stupid.

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  8. It is entirely possible that the citizens of Ukraine are merely attempting to figure out how long Chernobyl will be off line, and whether menopausal women could be used as an alternate energy source. Perfectly harmless, will be their story!

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  9. Wow, a menopausal bomb! That doesn't bear thinking about. I've got this disturbing image in my head of bone-dry, estrogen-starved uteri fragmenting all around me!

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  10. Did all this come out of a statistics check? I like the way your mind works, sir. Plus, you've given me a new excuse to check my stats.

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    1. It's amazing what you can infer from a single number.

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  11. Wow...does this also explain some of the heat waves in general?

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    1. And it also accounts for global warming. Not one of the climate models considers the heat contribution from menopausal women. As improved health care extends the life spans of people around the globe, more women live long enough to reach menopause.

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  12. I wasn't fearful when I woke up this morning. Now I am. Plus? I have something to look forward to as I age.

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    1. Move someplace where it's cold. You'll thank me later.

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  13. You're not kidding. You don't want to mess with a menopausal woman when the hot flashes hit. And the night sweats - my gawd, the night sweats. Flop sweat, overwhelming emotion and near black out. Good times.

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    1. I don't have a choice but to mess with a menopausal woman. I live with one.

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  14. "weapon of mass deovulation", bwuahaha! LOVED this. I really hope the NSA doesn't take you away... ;)

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  15. With that many hormonal women gathering in one place, I think it might be a lucrative proposition to have someplace equally large where their significant others can sneak away for a quiet beer? You wouldn't happen to be looking for a business partner, would you?

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    1. Maybe we set up some chairs in your field after a harvest and serve beer.

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    2. That's doable, but there will only be a small window, after harvest, before we have a foot of snow. We may need a more inviting location?

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    3. Are you forgetting about the menopausal ladies? I know you want a quiet place for male beer drinking, but with few strategically placed hot flashing women we can keep the place toasty. Hey, wait a minute. I know how you can plant a winter crop.

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    4. Who need the Caribbean? Ship all those women up here and Canada will be the new Mexico! Except, Arizona will be empty in the winter if there's no more Canadian seniors heading down there to escape the cold.

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  16. Brilliant! And, of course, Google, the NSA, and countless others have recorded this post already. You might be hailed as a hero someday, or the government might just take your idea, tinker it, and claim it as their own. (Most likely.)

    Or the women might unite on their own. Hopefully, they won't take a cruise to Alaska; the permafrost is already in trouble.

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    1. It might be too late for Alaska. Kellie has been there twice and I think she wants to go again.

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  17. I've never seen a man write so many posts about menopausal women. You could really rule the market on writing about women and their reproductive issues. No other man wants to touch the subject!! You could be so famous. That is, until you inevitably say the wrong thing, and one of those very hot and very hormonal women murder your dumb ass. But until then, you would be infamous!

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    1. You mean I haven't said the wrong thing already? And since Kellie is now into year four of around-the-clock hot flashes you can expect more posts on the subject. I'm working another right now.

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  18. Now I have a mental image of a horde of angry menopausal Ukrainian women...

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