Monday, November 11, 2013

Foot Orgasm - A Dutch Treat

Photo Credit: Philip Leara
By now I probably have the husbands out there thoroughly confused. First I said that doing housework was the key to getting more sex, and then I said that doing less housework was the way to go. From the feedback I've received it's obvious that neither strategy is particularly effective, which begs the question: Is there any sure fire way for a husband to put his wife in the mood? Fortunately, there is one aphrodisiac that never fails. It's called a cruise ship. There's something about undulating on the high seas that brings out a woman's inner Jenna JamesonThat's why in less than two weeks Kellie and I will be departing for our sixth cruise this year. 

For the few of you who work for stingy employers whose corporate policies don't allow six vacations per year, there is one last thing you can try. Give your wife a foot massage. This approach isn't based upon the unproven assumption that sweet, romantic gestures will put your wife in an amorous mood; there's modern, cutting-edge, medical science behind this recommendation. 


If you recall from your high school biology class, the sensory nerves from a woman's feet join the spinal cord at about the same level as the nerves from her genitals, and the regions of the brain that process sensory signals from these two areas are adjacent to one another. Once you get those foot synapses firing there's a good chance of stimulating the adjoining area that controls her vajayjay. This could explain why some women like to have their toes sucked. 

Rubbing her feet is a stealthy maneuver, too. If you were to, say, place your hand on her inner thigh, you'd immediately give away your intent and she'd likely tell you that she's not in the mood. A foot massage, on the other hand, is about as far away from her erogenous zone as you can physically get, but neurologically speaking you're sliding into second base.


If you think this idea is a bit far fetched, consider the story of a 55 year-old Dutch woman who went to her doctor with an unusual complaint. She was having multiple unwanted orgasms that originated in her left foot. (I'm not sure why this is even considered a problem. If men were so afflicted we'd be hopping around like mad, one-legged kangaroos.) 



Be careful where you place
the electrodes. Photo credit:
To study her condition, researches attached a transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation (TENS) unit to her left foot. Turing on the voltage produced an instantaneous orgasm that shot up her leg to her vajayjay.  When they placed electrodes next to her promised land, it produced an immediate orgasm that traveled back down to her toes. (Sounds like a fun research facility.) Her doctors surmised that her problem was caused by some crossed nerve signals and a strategically placed spinal anesthetic cured the problem.

I'm a man of science and I like to perform my own experiments. I still have a TENS unit that my doctor gave me for pain relief when I had adhesive capsulitis in my left shoulder. Over breakfast, I explained the Dutch woman's orgasmic condition to Kellie and asked her if she wanted to explore the frontiers of medical science. She told me it sounded like something we should try on a cruise ship.

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I'm back on Yeah Write. 



29 comments:

  1. Being a PT for the past thirty years you'd think I would have explored the alternative uses of TENS by now...I knew I should have never changed careers!

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    1. A TENS unit is not that expensive.

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  2. haha! that's funny.... and weird. going running for that woman must have been an interesting experience.

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    1. Just putting on her sweat socks and sneakers must have been a blast too.

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  3. This is great, and damn, I wish I had participated in THAT type of medical research, as opposed to the torturous one I endured. I'm asking hubby tonight for a foot massage. =P

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    1. Yes, your experience was a little more unpleasant.

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  4. Once again, we can rely on you to keep us updated on the latest scientific advances. :)

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  5. So why did the Dutch woman want that fixed? You folks are lucky ... my feet are so ticklish, I'm sure this would never work for me. (I don't THINK that's TMI.) Interesting post!.

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    1. She was having 5-6 foot orgasms per day and I guess they weren't always in private.

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  6. I love pedicures ... except for the tickly part. It doesn't make me amorous (sorry) but it does feel really good!

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    1. I wouldn't let a stranger touch my toes and those who know me wouldn't want to.

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  7. Kellie sure has mastered how to get you on cruises!

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  8. I have to admit, I'm so hot for my husband and his hotness that I've been waking him up in the middle of the night to get at him. I'm 42 so I'm not sure how long this will last, so I'm taking advantage of the situation.

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    1. Is you condition contagious? If so I'd like you to meet Kellie.

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  9. "When they placed the electrodes next to her promised land", is quite possibly, the best configuration of words ever. Hahahahaha!

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  10. You're such a rich source of valuable information and you render science interesting. I don't recall my biology teacher sharing such relevant information - nor Dr. Spock for that matter. Mrs Jones should prepare herself for a pincer-movement assault on her feet this evening.

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    1. I'm thinking of becoming a science writer.

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  11. I'm beginning to think you are the male version of Dr. Ruth! :)

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  12. Foot massage would likely do the trick, I believe. Women don't really get the chance to relax, and a foot massage gives them the opportunity to do so.

    We have a TENS unit somewhere in this house...

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  13. I love foot massages. I do not love pedicures. Looking into a TENS unit now...

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  14. Oooooohhhh. This made my toes curl, and you know what that means.

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  15. Hm, I wonder if there's a way I can get my husband to start reading your blog, as I could really use a foot massage...

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  16. I have nominated you for the Liebster Award (at http://consciouscacophony.wordpress.com/2013/11/22/playing-liebster-by-the-rules/). I think your blog posts are excellent. Your sense of humor is laugh-out-loud funny. So glad I found your blog. Thanks, C.C.

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  17. I am so much happy to find out this type of article.It's about the foot therapy side.This side help me to solve my foot problem.Thanks for writing a excellent article.

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