Yesterday I had the pleasure of driving 733 miles from Park City, UT, to my home in Oceanside, CA. Many of you were on the road with me and some of you really pissed me off. If I were six inches taller I’d drag you from your pickup truck and whack you in the head with the wrist brace protecting my arthritic right hand. I don’t know what candy store issued your drivers license but some of you need a little refresher course on the rules of the road.
Rule 1: If there’s a lane to your right and no one is in it, guess what? You're in the wrong lane; move over.
Rule 2: If there’s a lane to your right and everyone in it is moving faster than you, guess what? You're in the wrong lane; move over.
Rule 3: If you’re in the left hand lane and there’s a long line of cars in front of you and the vehicle spacing is already half of what it should be, tilt your head down and take look at your speedometer. Read it. See where the needle is pointing, guess what? That’s the speed limit. It doesn’t matter if I’m doing 40 or 80 mph. It doesn’t matter how far up my butt you try to drive your car. I can’t go any faster and I’m not shifting into the slow lane just because you feel entitled to an empty roadway. We all want to go faster but we can’t because we’re sharing the road with half the population of the U.S. Southwest.
Rule 4: If you're on a two-lane Interstate Highway and you see everyone ahead of you moving into the lefthand lane to pass a slow moving truck, guess what? That’s not an invitation for you to be a dickhead and sprint up the now temporarily vacant righthand lane and then try to cut me off before you rear-end a semi. You’re are going to cause an accident. Your little stunt just forces everyone else to jam on their brakes, making the entire lefthand lane surge like a slinky. If I'm in the right position I’m going to don my fire hat, too, and box your dumb ass in behind that truck. Then if you do manage to slip in behind me, I’m not passing that triple tractor trailer until you pop an aneurysm.
Rule 5: If you violate any of rules one through four, look in your rearview mirror; no that’s not an official American Sign Language hand gesture, and yes I am screaming at you but you can’t hear me. Kellie can hear me and now she’s pissed at me because you’re a dumb ass and I have to yell at you and wake up her dog which is really her fault anyway because she’s the one who has to take so many damn vacations and it was her idea to drive all the way home in a single day despite my objections but it’s your stupidity combined with the 48 ounces of coffee I’ve had to drink since 6 p.m. to stay awake and drive for 12 hours after only 4 hours of sleep on a rock hard mattress that has really amped up my road rage to the point where I want whack you with my good hand but I can’t because like I already said I’m at least six inches shorter than you unless you’re a girl in which case I’m only an inch shorter than you but I don’t hit girls and now that I’m home it still feels like I’m moving after sitting behind the wheel for so damn long and my CVS blood pressure monitor is telling me that if I don’t calm down soon I’ll be the one with a ruptured aneurysm.
I know people drink coffee to counteract too much wine, so I wonder if wine counteracts too much coffee. Let’s try it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------
And thanks to the dudes at Dude Write for awarding me the Chairman's Choice Award. I'm not sure it's a good idea to reward bad behavior.