Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Downhill

Lesson Learned
It’s Kellie’s World, and that usually means I do as Kellie desires. When I ignore that simple rule and neglect to conform to my wife’s wishes, I usually find myself imperiled, as I did during a skiing and snowboarding trip to Squaw Valley several years ago.
We awoke to light flurries on day three of our vacation. Kellie, who prefers to avoid winter sports in any kind of precipitation, suggested that we forget snowboarding and visit the mall instead. Since I rather die than go shopping (a fate I almost achieved), I led the family in a minor mutiny and we coerced her onto the slopes.
After a couple of hours on the bunny hill, Kellie wanted to summit and attack a few black diamond runs. Lacking the requisite skill, I demurred, but Kellie, an expert skier, goaded me into agreement by using the one tactic that only wives can employ: she promised to wax my board, later.
As the chairlift ascended the mountain, conditions deteriorated rapidly. The snowflakes grew bigger and the wind blew harder. Visibility dropped. Other skiers were taking no chances and rode the lift back to the lodge. Kellie refused to follow their example. I was in trouble.
We jumped off the lift and headed down. I didn’t get very far, upright, but I covered a good distance flopping downhill like a rag doll, alternating between face-plants and butt-plants. Frostbitten and hypothermic, I regained my stance and plucked the snotsicles hanging from my nose, grimacing with pain as the frozen mucus mass proved to be very effective at removing unwanted nostril hair. My glasses were encased in a thick layer of ice, forcing me to navigate the mountain with 20/800 uncorrected vision. Kellie urged me to keep moving downhill, but I was exhausted from dozens of poorly executed front flips and double McTwists. I told her to go on without me and to send the ski patrol back to retrieve my frozen corpse.
Kellie took off and quickly disappeared into a swirling haze of snow. Looking around, I saw nothing but white in every direction. Listening intently, I heard nothing but the wind howling in my ears. I did the only thing a naval commander like myself could do in this situation: I pathetically yelled for help.
The mountain rescue team located me quickly thanks to my strong, manly vocal beacon. They swaddled me in thermal blankets, packed me a rescue stretcher and slid me to safety. When I emerged from my cocoon, I was greeted by a chorus of teasing and taunts from my wife and her brothers. 
Had I acceded to Kellie’s initial request to go shopping, I would have been admiring the new ski pants and goggles that I should have been wearing that day instead of trying to inter myself in an icy grave. I survived; the only fatalities that day were my pride and dignity. It’s Kellie’s World.


read to be read at yeahwrite.me

28 comments:

  1. Hahaha! Do you every fare well on vacations, Joe??
    Great story!

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    1. It does seem like I have vacation issues.

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  2. But did you get your board waxed? I've learned that with you guys, it's worth any type of near death experience.

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    1. Honestly, it was so long ago that I can't remember. The whole thing is not fair. I've tried offering Kellie the same service in an attempt to get her to do what I want, but she just laughs.

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  3. alternating between face-plants and butt-plants. classic!

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  4. And yet, she was the one who goaded you to the top of the mountain. Hmmm... hard to say.

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    1. She made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

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  5. Well I hope she rewarded you since you did entertain the hell out of her! lol.

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  6. Wow, she was dead-set on teaching you a lesson! Speaking of dead, I'm glad you didn't die! Yikes!

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    1. Too bad the lesson didn't take.

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  7. My gosh, how frightening. I was in a car during a white out and that was scary enough. I can't imagine being marooned on a mountain. Even though I'm a girl I'm with you on the shopping excursion, so I may have ended up in a similar predicament. I'll keep your story in mind! Glad you made it out alive!

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  8. snotsticles is my new favorite word!

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    1. Robbie you beat me to my comment on snotsciles! But I do have one additional point to make: the real problem here was the snowboarding. Skiing still rules. :) Have you been on a mountain since? Ellen

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    2. I did snowboard and ski after that little adventure. However, I had cervical spine surgery last may so I stay away from the slopes now.

      http://www.livinginkelliesworld.com/2012/03/what-is-that-on-your-neck.html

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  9. Very funny post. But I'm with Stephanie. . .I'll take an icy grave over the mall any day!

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  10. Once again, you imperil yourself at the promise of sex. With your own wife, no less. Either she is a superstar in the boudoir,or you are the horniest 53 yr old man in Cali...

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    1. Well, neither choice is entirely correct. Let's just say Kellie controls a scarce commodity.

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  11. Forgive me, but this is hilarious. It's definitely Kellie's world.

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  12. Oh, this is great. I hate even the thought of skiing, so I actually got anxious for you as the story progressed, but the idea that you were rescued thanks to your "strong, manly vocal beacon" just cracked me up.

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    1. The voice was probably a few octaves higher that day.

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  13. You're a wise man who learned an important lesson - succumb to your wife's wishes or "find yourself imperiled." I've been attempting to convince my husband of this scientific fact for years, to no avail. Hmmm, not sure I've fully pursued the board waxing approach. I'll give that some thought! Well done!

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  14. Oh Joe, I hope next time you go to the mall!

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  15. I'm glad that you made it down the hill mostly intact. Skiing scares the snot out of me, so I'd have picked the mall in a heartbeat.

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  16. I love reading your stories! You have such a fun way with words.
    I am so glad that your manly vocal beacon got you the help you needed. :-)

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