Monday, July 9, 2012

The Bullfight

Kellie and Joe
I am The Bull. Unfortunately, Kellie is The Matador. And if you know anything at all about bullfighting, you know that the bull never leaves the ring alive; although, I do occasionally get lucky and give her a good goring. Whenever Kellie wants to get her way, she slowly wears me down, lancing me repeatedly, bleeding away my resistance until enfeebled and exhausted, my slaughter becomes inescapable. 
In the first stage of a bullfight, the matador and the banderilleros antagonize the bull, provoking him to charge so they can gauge the beast's strength and aggressiveness. Likewise, during the initial stage of bending me to her will, Kellie confronts me, observes my reaction, and cooly calculates her strategy for my demise. Her first challenge is typically a simple, direct, verbal taunt.
“I think I need another dog.” The thought of a third dog boils my Mediterranean blood. Enraged, nostrils flaring, I charge to attack her.
“There’s no f@#$ing way we’re getting another dog,” I huff and snort.
To check my fierce resistance, Kellie transforms into the picador and begins the spectacle of draining my will. She stabs me between the shoulders with a blunt assault. “Well, too bad,” she declares, “I’m getting another dog.”  Even at this early stage of the contest, the outcome is certain. After delivering the inevitable verdict, she promptly exits the arena.
During the second stage of a bullfight, the banderilleros consort to further weaken and tire the bull by planting six barbed sticks, called banderillas, in the bull’s shoulders. In this phase of the ordeal, Kellie recruits the kids as banderilleros. Each time my youngest daughter dashes by me, she jabs me with quick barb. “Mom said we’re getting another dog,” she darts.  After a while, the constant poking leaves tired and weak. My shoulders sag and my head drops in the forlorn knowledge of my impending defeat.
It’s now time for Kellie to deliver the coup de grĂ¢ce. In the final stage, Kellie enters the ring unaccompanied, a lone matador, waving before my eyes a drape of consumer electronics, daring me to pick one in exchange for a dog.  Once she’s maneuvered me into position, she quickly strikes – a deal. I’ll get a new 27-inch iMac in exchange for a Yorkie. This is the traditional ritual of compromise that Kellie and I have devised to satisfy our urgent desires.
We haven’t finished the third stage yet, but as satisfaction for accepting two dogs and ridiculous number of cats, I’ve already received: an iRiver MP3 player, a Konica Minolta Dimage A2 8MP digital camera with 7x anti shake optical zoom, a Sony portable minidisc recorder, a 4-terabyte Western Digital RAID-5 network attached storage device, a pair of Bose acoustic noise canceling headphones, an Amazon Kindle, a 52-inch Samsung high definition television, an iPhone 3GS, an iPad2, and a MacBook Pro. At this point, I think I know the outcome of this particular running of the bulls.
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Today's post is part of the starting lineup for Dude Write #4 and was also submitted to the Yeah Write #65 summer series.  Please stop by both sites and take a look at some of the fine writing from a great group of bloggers.

read to be read at yeahwrite.me


Dude Write


43 comments:

  1. I love your description of the "dance." We do something similar around here, but we both hate pets so it's less hairy!

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  2. Nice Joe. I envy your electronic accumulations. But yes, I know this dance well. Compromise or bribes, either way it works. :) Great post!

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  3. Oh you are the winner! You're just making the price of your acquiescence worth it. I want those things! :) Oh bullfights are so horrible have you ever seen one - such cruelty and agony. But considering how I argue with my partner, I think your analogy is rather apt. I just hope he doesn't start asking for stuff when I get my way ;)

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    1. I saw my first (and last) bullfight in Spain this past spring. That's when I recognized the analogy and jotted down the idea for this post.

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  4. My wife doesn't bargain with me using all those expensive gadgets. Instead, she bribes me with sexual favors. Let me just say that it is equally effective as we now have a dog that I absolutely hate!

    As for bull fighting... I'm always cheering for the bull. I love it when people get mauled by the bull. Serves them right! I find it to be cruel to animals! Although I don't have much room to talk because I love steak and slaughter houses are no better!

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    1. Kellie bribes me with sexual favors also, but it's not as effective. Sex only distracts me for a few seconds, maybe a few minutes if I've had a good night's sleep, and then I regret caving in. But a new iMac could keep me engaged and distracted for weeks.

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  5. Would a larger animal merit a bigger electronic device. ;)

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    1. Not necessarily bigger, just more expensive.

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    2. Oh, and there's an economic factor. It sort of the inverse of the law of diminishing returns. Each additional animal has a higher marginal cost.

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  6. Love this post! I have 4 birds, two cats, and a dog. Husband has the same number of cars. Coincidence? I think not.

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  7. You had me at Bose...

    My wife just flirts me down and has her way and then gets her way. I'm cheap apparently. Your life is a beacon to me.

    WG

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    1. Be careful, that beacon is just a light on the front of train.

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  8. Loved the part about the kids being her banderilleros. Too funny! I conned my husband into getting a Yorkie a year ago, and all he got was late-night potty-training duty. I'm NOT letting him read this post. ;)

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    1. Yes, I'm a bad example. I also get a free pass on care and maintenance of the animals, and picking up animal excrement is out of the question. In fact, Kellie and I had a brief text exchange on that topic today. I think I may post a screen shot to Facebook.

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  9. Aha. Now I know how to get a new laptop.

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  10. Your wife is brilliant. Although, if you are exempt from pet care duties, I think you win this one. All those lovely, beautiful gadgets, which I'd much rather own than any pet. I have enough mouths to feed and crap to clean up (figuratively and literally) with 5 kids.

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  11. you wife and my wife shoudl work for Homeland Security or the CIA. There wouldn't be a terrorist cell in existence.

    Great blog. glad you tracked me down.

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  12. Compromise is always worth it... especially when it comes with a Kindle or a MacBook Pro. :)

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  13. Poor Joe! FInding himself to be a boob AND a bull in the same day. :)

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  14. Haha I love the analogy. I actually wrote a flash piece on my blog called "Diablo" from a bull's perspective during a bull fight, and I did research to find out exactly how that stuff goes down.

    I think that I will avoid getting married for a while so that I don't become the bull.

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  15. I feel ripped off! You mean that every time my husband buys a gadget I could potentially get something?
    What. The. Heck.
    Yet another reason I'm glad I found your blog, Joe. I'm learning new things every time I visit.
    ;-)
    Great story, by the way! It was the perfect analogy!

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    1. You have it little backwards, Dawn, and I need Kellie getting any ideas. I stock up on electronics whenever she wants a pet. If we did things the other way around, I'd be overrun with animals by now.

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  16. How's the new dog doing?

    My hubby and I don't have these discussions because we have no extra spending money and having a paint-peeling argument over whether to buy brand-name saltines or generic is a little over the top...

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    1. No new dog just yet. Kellie is having second thoughts. I may have set the price too high.

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  17. But unlike the bull you actually get something out of it.

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  18. Now that's what I call a compromise. You were not entirely defeated by the matador.

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  19. Loved the way your brought this story together. And, you've inspired me to start bribing my husband to get things I want. Let's see...I really wanted to go to a writing retreat next weekend, so I cleaned his bathroom. Win-win! :-)

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  20. Life as a series of negotiations. As, of course, it is. Slick analogy though horrifying too. I attended one bullfight and left after 20 minutes. The cheering over the torture...yikes! I always laugh at your posts, however, torture analogies included.

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  21. You need to swap things up and come at her and say "I'm getting a new ___" first one of these times.

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  22. I admire Kellie's skills!! Great story!!

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  23. Can I rent your Matador, I need another Motorcycle, and If she wispers in the wife's ears she will say no, we will fight, she will get more Jewelry and I, another M/C............

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  24. Very smart wify you have there! I'll have to remember this when I get married, because I really love animals!

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  25. You could always take the Ferdinand approach and nonviolently sniff flowers. . .but it sounds like you've got it all worked out. Excellent post as always! P.S. Hope you have a nice man cave to house all your toys!

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  26. Your wife is a clever woman and I love the matador analogy!

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  27. Great analogy! Not to cause trouble, but one of my favorite stories as a kid was "Ferdinand" about the bull who refused to fight. He got to live out his days in a field, but probably without an iPod. It's a trade-off.

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  28. Oh, this is hilarious! Love hearing it from the male perspective. I once gave my husband a hall pass to go out with a friend in exchange for a Coach bag.

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  29. Feminine wiles need not be underestimated. Good thing you are at least cognizant of the dance. Fifty bucks says you adore the pets, but pretend not to. ;)

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  30. Aww, you both win! Love this metaphor! Great! Erin

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  31. See, I kind of wish I got tech in exchange for putting with what I perceive to be ridiculous idiosyncratic bullshit on my husband's part. All I get is less fighting. ;-P

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