Wednesday, March 7, 2012

If You Really Love Me, You Would Do It

One week before your colonoscopy you're supposed to eliminate all nuts, beans, seeds or seed products from your diet.  I forgot.  To compensate, my doctor had me start my liquid diet yesterday, one day early.  That means I'll go two full days without eating prior to my procedure tomorrow morning.  I started becoming disagreeable after about six hours without any solid food, so Kellie decided to keep her distance from me.

The real fun starts later today, around two o'clock, when I begin ingesting enough laxatives to purge a racehorse.  I don’t mind taking the Dulcolax and Simethicone pills, but I am not thrilled about drinking 64 ounces of Miralax laced Powerade.  I’m supposed to gulp down 8 ounces of that swill every 15-20 minutes until it’s gone.  Since the process reminds me of a drinking game, I plan to take my medicine from a salted margarita glass.  I might even invite the neighbors over for cocktails and make a party out of it.  

The part that I am dreading the most is the Fleet enema night cap. Since I can’t see my target, I might as well be throwing darts in the dark.  I’m afraid that I could do some serious damage if I don’t hit the bullseye.  Once I’ve penetrated the target, I still have to contort myself into position to grab the bottle and squeeze it with enough force to propel the contents.  Given the difficulties, I asked Kellie if she would help aim and fire.

“There’s no way in hell I’m giving you an enema,” Kellie exclaimed.  Her actual refusal contained other graphic expletives, but she made me redact the more colorful language.  It’s not that Kellie is insensitive to my plight, she just claims that she needs to maintain a certain mental image to keep the romance alive.  
Kellie offered an alternative; she suggested that I call a few hookers and see what they charge for unusual service requests.  I’ll probably just go-it-alone on this one despite the risk.  Still, I wish there was something I could do to make the enema a bit more palatable.  Although, if that stuff gets anywhere near my palate, then I’ve probably squeezed the bottle way too hard.


  1. Haha! Fleet enema night cap. Classic.

  2. Yes, and I get to do it again first thing in the morning in lieu of my usual cup of Joe.

  3. When you finish your morning presentation, I am guessing there will be more than a "Cup of Joe" left over...

  4. I think the first thing I said when my colon was removed was "thank God no more colonoscopies." Perspective sucks...Im glad you have a sense of humor about it. Im with Kellie...there are some things that should remain a mystery.