Monday, March 5, 2012

What Do They Know About You?

Kellie just laughed and teased me when I got my first letter from AARP, but when I received mail from Smart Cremation, Kellie starting asking about the status of my life insurance policy.

I was not offended by Smart Cremation’s reminder to prepare for the inevitable – just worried.  Is it possible that they know something about my health that I don’t?  Just last week there was an article in the New York Times describing how Target can predict a pregnant woman’s due date to within two weeks by analyzing the changes in her purchasing patterns.  And Google can predict flu outbreaks better than Centers for Disease Control by analyzing search traffic about flu symptoms.  I have a colonoscopy scheduled for next Thursday; I wondered, could Smart Cremation have access to some massive database that allows them to predict colon polyps even before my doctor boldly goes where no man has gone before? 
Maybe Vons is selling information about my food habits.  Kellie and I have one of those club cards that allow supermarkets to track what you buy.  It is possible that Smart Cremation knows that I eat too much red meat and not enough fiber?
We’ve also become much more ecologically conscious lately; Kellie had me install a dual flush mechanism on our toilet to lower our water consumption.  If Smart Cremation is tracking my water usage, they may have detected my reduced flushing and interpreted that as a sign of impaired bowel function.  
Do they also know about my purchases of Preparation H from CVS (it shrinks those unsightly bags under your eyes) and a padded bicycle seat from Walmart?  Then, there's the information I've posted on this blog about stool softeners and alien invasions, when you put it all together, it's not too hard to see why Smart Cremation thinks that I may be a potential client. 
I shouldn’t get too upset though, it could have been much worse.  At least I’m not getting junk mail from the Hair Club For Men


  1. I hope your doctor has small hands, and remember that on Thursday if you feel both his hands on your shoulders during the exam...he's doing it wrong.

    1. Thanks for the advice Craig, although I expect to be unconscious and not feeling anything at all – I hope.

  2. LMAO at Craig's comment! Joey, I think I'd beware!
    Kellie, Should Smart Creations services become necessary, Remember, there are hair clubs that pay GOOD money for Human hair... just sayin.. Clip THEN burn.. could be a nice little added bonus to the life insurance payment..

  3. You officially have the most "tricked out" toilette ! Red lights, green lights, dual flush...tell me it plays "Tinkle Tinkle Little Star*" and I'm coming over !

    *(f.y.i.children's potty song)