Monday, July 8, 2013

Excuse Me Miss, Are You Ovulating?

Photo Credit
Daniel Bergner's new book, What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire, is packed with useful information. In a previous post, I told you about women's secret predilection for porn. Researches have also discovered that the strength of a woman's desire for smut is predicated upon the time of the month when she first views an x-rated video. Women whose first exposure to porn occurred just prior to ovulation showed greater interest and excitement than women who first viewed porn in different phases of their menstrual cycle. However, the women whose first exposure coincided with ovulation maintained their level of interest in watching porn throughout the rest of their cycle, whereas those whose first viewing occurred at other times in their cycle never achieved the same level of interest. The importance of this finding did not escape Kim Wallen, the researcher responsible for this discovery: "One lesson is that you don't want a woman to form her first impression of you when she's in the wrong menstrual phase. You'll never recover."

Unfortunately, Bergner's book offers no clues about how to determine when a woman is about to ovulate. If you work for the National Security Agency and have access to the PRISM database with a complete record of a woman's browsing history, web searches, phone calls and credit card purchases, then determining her point of maximum fertility is a trivial intelligence exercise. Computer geek Edward Snowden had obviously mastered that technique to land his pole dancing girlfriend, Lindsay Mills. Those of us without a top secret clearance have to resort to more rudimentary intelligence gathering techniques. For some men, this may require them to stalk their prospective mate a little more frequently than they are normally comfortable with.

The most obvious strategy is to set up surveillance posts in the candy and feminine hygiene isles at CVS and record the license plate numbers of women buying chocolate, tampons and Midol. Kellie has pointed out some drawbacks with this methodology. She buys tampons for our daughters so the purchases may reveal nothing about the buyer's cycle. Also, the purchase may simply reflect the need to replenish a severely depleted inventory.

A more accurate technique is to sift through a woman's trash looking for telltale evidence of menstruation. This technique, while gross, is highly accurate. But it is time consuming and difficult to perform in a covert manner and therefore is not recommended unless you are pursuing a single target. The is one situation where this method could be fruitfully employed against multiple females. Research has shown that women who live together have synchronized cycles, making trash tossing an excellent technique on college campuses with a large sorority populations.

Time, menopause and the irregular use of birth control pills have rendered it impossible for me to accurately calculate the exact phase of Kellie's cycle when we first met, though I have my suspicions. Our first encounter was at the hot tub of our apartment building the night before the final court hearing for my divorce. I had not had LASIK yet and still needed small telescopes to correct my 20/800 vision. The steam rising from the hot tub kept fogging my glasses, which I periodically cleared by using my pinky like a miniature windshield wiper. Only an ovulation induced hormonal psychosis can make that image look sexy. 
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I may be in France but that doesn't mean I can't Yeah Write.


32 comments:

  1. Omigosh THIS:

    "Time, menopause and the irregular use of birth control pills have rendered it impossible for me to accurately calculate the exact phase of Kellie's cycle when we first met, though I have my suspicions. Our first encounter was at the hot tub of our apartment building the night before the final court hearing for my divorce."

    Fantastic. And good for you for following the instructions.

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    1. I'm good at following instructions.

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  2. Interesting info--I have no idea what was going on when my husband and I first met. He can tell pretty accurately where I am now though based on how quickly I snap at him for not bringing the laundry upstairs.

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  3. Replies
    1. Thank you, I did want to be a teacher at one time.

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  4. This is absolutely hilarious and so informative!

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    1. That's my only goal, spreading information for the benefit of mankind.

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  5. It was always easy to know when Mrs Jones was at the point of ovulation; trouble was I'd usually been hospitalized.

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  6. Once again you have made me realize how little I know about myself.

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    1. I'm glad to help, and I'm not even halfway through the book yet.

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  8. Men really are clueless! :-)

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    1. We are clueless and need all the help we can get. That's why I keep learning.

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  9. I love how you started with science, tossed in a Snowden reference, and ended up in the hot tub. Your posts never cease to entertain and educate.

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  10. Has Kellie ever written a guest post or rebuttle? I just figure she must be quite a good sport or illiterate.

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    1. She's only written one guest post: http://www.livinginkelliesworld.com/2012/06/kellie-speaks.html

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  11. I wonder if the opposite is true? Do women who are ovulating appear more attractive to men? Perhaps scientists (or horny college kids) could invent an optimal attraction indicator similar to a mood ring. I love the image of you in the hot tub with your mini-telescopes. I have the same prescription! Ugh! Fun, funny post as always.

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    1. Who cares if the opposite is true? Men always say yes. We're pigs.

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  12. Science, right? Who knew. I guess that explains how my hubs lucked out to get such a hottie as me . . . coincidentally appropriate ovulation cycle. Thanks for clearing all of this up for me!

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    1. Kellie had about the same reaction to this post.

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  13. I think my husband has a better grip on my menstrual cycle than I do. I think he keeps a...forgive me...flow chart. He knows just when to bring the Ghiradelli and chocolate cake home. This is some pretty interesting stuff. I liked the Snowden reference too!

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    1. I never knew where Kellie was in her cycle. That's why we have children.

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  14. Love that you honed in on this particular quirk. There's been so much press lately about all this research on women's sexuality and the upcoming female viagra. But this is an interesting nugget that seems to be escaping popular attention. Thanks for highlighting it!

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  15. Ah, I feel like I'm learning so much in this. No one talks about female sexuality in my world - I feel like you're providing secret pamphlets handed out in locker rooms... ;)

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  16. Hahaha! I remember the first time I saw Doc H. He looked at me like I had just hit him over the head with my copy of Stedman's Medical Dictionary.

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  17. My husband has always been disturbingly accurate about knowing where I am in my cycle. Some things are better left to the person who actually experiences them. P.S. Joe, get out of the trash.

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  18. My husband thinks I am menstruating all the time - truth is, I'm just super crabby ;)

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