Sunday, June 23, 2013

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

We know why she's smiling.
Next time you nuzzle up to your wife or girlfriend and she tells you that she's not in the mood, you can be confident of one thing—she's lying. Oh she's definitely horny, or she could be rather quickly. How do I know this? Thanks to groundbreaking research by sexologist Meredith Chivers, we now know that female sexual arousal can be achieved in under two minutes. Amazing, it takes me longer than that just find the vibrator.

Chivers played 90 second porno clips for women and then asked them to rate their arousal. Since women are liars and can't be trusted she also used a plethysmograph to precisely gauge their reactions. In case you've never heard of a plethysmograph, it's a device that can measure blood flow in tissue. Guess where the probe goes. She then showed her subjects every conceivable variety of porn: guy on girl, girl on girl, guy on guy, girl on self, guy on self and even some wildlife footage. Which clips spun the needles on the plethysmograph? All of them. It didn't matter if the test subjects were gay, straight or bisexual, everything women watched made them tingle. Even a clip of rutting jungle monkeys turned them on. So when your partner is not in the mood ask her to watch a short sex video. I hear there are abundant free samples on the Internet. If she tells you she's not into porn, she's lying, but that's not the point, you can watch the National Geographic channel instead because if it's on Nat Geo, it's not porn.

Guess how the liars responded when asked what excited them the most. They lied. They reported that they were aroused by viewing acts that corresponded with their sexual orientation. It is possible, however unlikely, that the women were telling the truth and that there was a problem with the test equipment. A design flaw in the plethysmograph could allow alternating electrical current to leak from power supply and send a 60 hertz hum into the test probe.

Similar tests on men, using a different sensor of course, revealed, contrary to popular misconceptions, that men are paragons of truth. They know what they like and they express their desires honestly. Gay men prefer gay porn and the only thing straight men like more than heterosexual porn is watching lesbians go at it. 

These findings are intriguing but so far unconfirmed. Until the results can be replicated by other researches I'd advise against using monkey porn during foreplay in a nonclinical setting. I don't know if I can wait for further studies, but maybe I don't have to. I'm a man of science. I have a degree in physics. I could conduct my own studies. The test equipment doesn't seem all that complicated. All I need is a big screen TV with an Internet connection, a plethysmograph and a La-Z-Boy with stirrups. Kellie shouldn't mind if I convert our living room into a working laboratory. We never use it anyway. 
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Today's post is based on the book What Do Women Want?: Adventures In The Science Of Female Desire by Daniel Bergner. I'm only on chapter three so there will likely be a few more posts on this topic.

I'm sharing today's post with the fine bloggers and writers at Year Write. 

40 comments:

  1. Thanks for an informative post, one that might have helped me out around thirty years ago.

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  2. If a girl tells you she doesn't watch porn, she's definitely lying. There's a reason I have someone ready to delete my browser history in the event of my untimely death.

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    1. A browser buddy, that sounds like a good idea.

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  3. as long as it's not 50 Shades of Grey

    I'll let my wife....like she doesn't know about this already

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    1. I got her the books but she hasn't read them yet.

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  4. As a medical researcher I think I can speak to the suspicion that the hum from that probe didnt hurt the results any.

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    1. Thanks, Zoe, I didn't think so but it's always good to have a professional opinion.

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  5. Yeah the monkey porn is questionable.

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    1. I'm telling you, I read it in a book so it must be true.

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  6. I'm sure Kellie wouldn't mind your little experiment at all! Living rooms are overrated.

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    1. I think so too. I'll finally have something worthwhile to do in the Living Room.

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  7. Funny post, but there is probably a lot of truth in it.

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  8. And be sure to let us know how that goes for you...

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  9. "It's on Nat Geo, it's not porn." Truer words were never spoken, my friend. Let me know how the experiment goes. ;)

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    1. A friend of mine uttered those words along time ago; I knew I'd get to use them someday.

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  10. I worked a lecture by a women's studies prof who theorizes that women's sexual identity is much, much more fluid than men's. Seems to jive with this research (and my experience in the liberal halls of a liberal education college).

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    1. I'm getting the same sense from the book I'm reading.

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  11. I am loving this information and the bravery you show in writing about it. Let's talk about sex! Love it

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    1. Looks like I'll stay on this topic for a while.

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  12. this is hysterical. i don't doubt your findings for a moment.

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    1. These are not my findings. I'm just reporting what I've read.

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  13. I find that MOST "popular studies" have such silliness at the core. There was one all over the internet a few months ago about how guys who did housework got more sex. I went to the study to read the details and the, ahem, scientist in charge said that her data was decades old but that "she didn't think the face of marriage had changed much in those years". ??? The book sounds interesting, I'll have to pick it up! :)

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    1. There is some merit to the housework thing, and I've written about that too. http://www.livinginkelliesworld.com/2012/06/the-secret-to-having-more-sex-with-your.html

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  14. I say set up the lab...Who needs a living room anyway?

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    1. It's difficult to find a recliner with a stirrups. I may have to improvise.

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  15. "Similar tests on men, using a different sensor of course, revealed, contrary to popular misconceptions, that men are paragons of truth." This is my favorite line : )

    Karen

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    1. This, of course, is contrary to the mantra that I constantly feed my daughters: "All men are pigs, except for your father."

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  16. Are you going to publish a book on your findings? In your lovely voice, which gets me every time, of course. Though I want to kill you for the monkey porn images. I ABHOR monkeys. Now I need to read three more posts before I can go to bed without that mental image. (And I'm NOT lying. Probes would prove it.)

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    1. Kellie has been pestering me to get going on a book. She's even promised to let me include material that she's refused to let me post on the blog.

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  17. Replies
    1. I'm sorry for the bait and switch.

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  18. Game changer! That's all I've got to say.

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  19. Please post a photo of your Lay-Z-Boy with your homemade stirrups attached to it. I'm imagining stirrups made from repurposed sub parts!
    BTW, you and Kellie were mentioned in a comment on my blog. :)

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    1. I'm going to work on it as soon as I get home.

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  20. "Until the results can be replicated by other researches I'd advise against using monkey porn during foreplay in a nonclinical setting."

    Hysterical!

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