Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The Real Problem With Marriage Equality

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I could feel the bile creeping up the back of my throat as I realized that Pat Robertson was right. Same-sex marriage will destroy the traditional family and lead to the disintegration of civilization, but not for the fellatious reasons he typically tries to ram down our throats. Homosexuality won't lead to polygamy, bestiality or pedophilia; it won't cause birth rates to plummet and populations to collapse, and I doubt that fire and sulfur will rain from the heavens and destroy us in a Sodom apocalypse. The real path to our demise is much more insidious.

Happily married heterosexual males, like me, rely on gay men to talk with our wives and escort them to activities that we would rather avoid. Without gay support, we would be compelled to take our wives to broadway shows and chick-flicks, go to fondue parties and listen to them talk about their menstrual cycles. As society increasingly accepts homosexuality, gay men are choosing to spend more time with their own boyfriends and spouses rather than fulfilling the mission God intended for them: caring for the emotional needs of our wives, a chore most straight men are ill equipped to perform.

Same-sex marriage has only been approved in a few states and I can already feel the impact in my own home. My wife has always had at least one gay boyfriend, but her last cubby moved to the East Coast months ago, leaving me without gay backup. I’ve been forced to fill the void. Last week I had to accompany Kellie to White House Black Market where she modeled clothes and then asked for my opinion. Apparently, "not enough cleavage" isn't considered useful feedback. She also purchased a Groupon for dance lessons. I resisted at first, but when I discovered that dance studios harbor a secret supply of gay men, I agreed to a membership on the spot. I assumed that after a few lessons she'd make a new friend and I'd be off the hook. After we joined, I learned that Fred Astaire Dance Studios have a strict no fraternization policy. Maybe I should renew my YMCA membership.

As a last resort, Kellie might be trying to make me gay. She's already given me several man bags and a murse. Under normal circumstances I would only use these while traveling in Europe, though lately I've been carrying them around SoCal. She's also been trying to get me to wear manpris. And now I'm beginning to suspect that our trip to France this summer is just a ruse to immerse me in a culture where the conversion process will be easier. Next she'll be demanding that I watch reruns of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.

I need to find a new gay boyfriend – for Kellie. Traditional marriages like mine cannot survive if husbands are forced to spend more time with their wives. Same-sex marriage threatens the delicate symbiosis between gay men and straight couples that took millions of years to evolve. Fortunately, there may be a workable compromise. We could grant same-sex couples marriage equality if gay men promise to continue servicing our women. We're not asking for much, it's not like we want them to have sex with our wives, just a couple of dates each week. We could even set up a website, something akin to bridal registry, where gay men list the services they are willing to perform and straight men sign up for whatever sort homosexual relief they need. It’s a win-win that even Pat Robertson could get behind. 
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27 comments:

  1. Couldn't agree more! I've been telling our girls for years they better make sure they have some fantastic gay male friends. They are the ones you can could on for some serious support! I wouldn't trade mine for the world!!
    Awesome post!

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  2. Quite an hysterical tongue-in-cheek post. A very enjoyable read, and a point of view that makes quite a lot of sense.

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  3. The truth is often a painful process to come to. Sorry for the loss of your friends to the east coast.

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    1. Kellie will make new friends, she always does.

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  4. I like your style Joe.

    A very funny (and intelligent) post.

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    1. Thanks, Bryan. I'm not sure about the intelligent part.

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  5. haha! you present a very sound argument.

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  6. I was thinking about it, and maybe my generation has it all wrong. I never make my husband do those things with me - I go alone. Maybe I'm just a loner, or maybe I've never lived in the same city as my gay male friends...I guess I'll never know.

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    1. Kellie gives me the right of first refusal.

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  7. Too funny. You have made a strong case for yourself.

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    1. Yes, but have I done enough to convince Pat Robertson?

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  8. This is hilarious. I bet you look fierce wearing your man bags and murse.

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    1. I do, and I have pictures to prove it.

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  9. So are you saying that my husband doesn't want to hear about my period?

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  10. Hah, love it. Would be of big help for certain.

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  11. It's always the poor straight men who suffer in these situations. You brave little trooper, you.

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  12. I live 6 hours away from most of my gay friends. So I have to text them pictures of clothes and shoes to get the yay or nay.

    Unfortunately, hubby has to go with me to the ballet. It's punishment for him dragging me to car race tracks that are not equipped with indoor plumbing.

    A very astute post!

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  13. Haha! I usually do those things alone. I lost my gay friends when I moved to the East Coast. Maybe I should look up Kellie's friend ;)

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  14. I'm voting for the manpris and demand photographic evidence! Funny post!

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  15. Did you snag something from WHBM to go with your murse? As usual, love your style. :)

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  16. See I kind of like manpris. All calf and no knobby knees. Plus, now I'm thinking I should have signed up for an on-line sight to hook me up with a male friend who's into the men instead of an on-line dating site. I probably would have connected with someone by now.

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  17. MY husband and I both were performing arts majors, so naturally we acquired a lot of gay friends. For years I had one who was especially reliable for Oscar Nights and Bette Davis movies. Then he settled down with a partner and I haven't heard from him in years. I think all couples need a reliable friend or two that one party can do things with when the other one doesn't want to.

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  18. Oh, Joe, you have just blown the lid off one of the best-kept secret relationships ever. I get a billion compliments on my purse collection. Why? My gay BFF gives exquisitely chosen purses as thank-you gifts. Until he got married, which is legal here in Iowa (thank goodness!)

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