Tuesday, December 20, 2011

How to determine if Kellie is asleep.

Last night, Kellie and I were sitting in bed; I was watching a rerun of The Daily Show while she played Zombie Farm on her iPad.  Aasif Mandvi, The Daily Show’s correspondent, was conducting an investigative report on the iPad app TapFish, a free game available from the App Store.  Gameview Studios, the creator of TapFish, generates revenue when players waste real money buying make believe products for the game.
The report prompted me to ask Kellie how the Zombie Farm’s creators earned a profit from their game.  Kellie proceeded to deliver a detailed and drawn-out explanation to a question I wish I had never asked.  As she elaborated, I had to continuously raise the volume on the television just to hear my show.
Eventually, Kellie finished her Zombie Farm dissertation, and when she completed planting her crops and zombies, she handed me her iPad and rolled over to go to sleep. 
“Can you please turn down the volume,” Kellie asked.
“Dear, I always turn down the volume after you go to sleep,” I replied.
“Do you really need that light on too?” Kellie asked next.
“No dear,” I answered as I leaned over and switched off the light.
“A few seconds later Kellie was challenging me about the TV volume. “Did you really turn it down or did you just tell me that you lowered it?”
“No dear, I actually lowered the volume and I’ll lower it even more if you’ll be quiet.”
“I’m cold,” Kellie complained now.
“How can you be cold?” I asked, “I haven’t even opened the window yet.”
“I’m cold; you have to cuddle with me.”
“That’s what I’m doing right now,” I insisted.
“Draping your leg over mine is not cuddling," she explained.  "When you’re ready to go to sleep you have to really cuddle with me.”
“Do you want me to cuddle with you even if you’re already asleep?” 
“Yes, because you won’t be able to tell if I’m sleeping.”
“Oh I’ll be able tell.”
“How?” she asked curiously.
To which I responded, “You will have stopped bitching.”