Monday, February 17, 2014

Reckless Abandonment

When the alarm went off at six-thirty on Valentine’s Day morning, Kellie jumped out of bed and started packing. I smothered my head with a pillow and ignored her until she started rattling around next to the bed. She dropped my Valentine’s gift on the nightstand: a 2009 Beaulieu Vineyard Cabernet Sauvignon and bag of barkTHINSTM snacking chocolate. I didn't know what the hell barkTHINSTM were, but at $15.99 a bottle she plunked down about four times what she normally spends on my wine. She's clearly guilt ridden about abandoning me on Valentine's Day.

Kellie and friends were taking a road trip to Sedona, Arizona, for a girl’s weekend, leaving me at home with our sixteen year-old daughter, Kyra; our dogs, Marley and Maddie, plus another mutt, Maggaie, she picked up from Dog Vacay; and an Iranian couple we’d known for about a week. The Iranians rented one of the spare bedrooms Kellie listed on Airbnb. Kellie was issuing instructions as she rushed out the door.

"Maggie eats twice a day; you may have to feed Marley by hand because she gets sad when I'm away, and don't forget to give Maddie her glaucoma medicine."

"Kyra has her first Valentine's date so you have to keep tabs her, and when she gets home I told her she could have a sleepover. Make sure they're quiet and don't disturb the Iranians."

"Oh yeah, don't forget, we another have another Airbnb guest coming today, Lucy; she's only staying one night. When she leaves you have to clean the room for Stephanie; she arrives Sunday."

"Love you, bye, Happy Valentine's Day."

Now this was when things got weird. Lucy lives in Los Angeles, ninety miles north. Husband of Lucy lives in Vista, the town next to mine. Lucy asked if she could serve her husband a candlelight dinner in our backyard. 

Question one: Why would anyone want a candlelight dinner in a stranger’s backyard? 

Lucy spent the afternoon in my kitchen preparing what smelled like a fabulous meal. She covered an old, dilapidated table with white cloth and set it with wine, roses, and a teddybear. Then she slipped into a low cut dress and cork platform shoes and set off to get husband of Lucy. 

Kellie sent a text after her massage asking for a Lucy update.

Question two: Why aren’t they doing this where they live?

Lucy and husband returned at about 6 p.m. and retreated to the backyard for dinner and drinks. It was a brief dinner. They abandoned the table and sprinted to the bedroom. 

Question three: Have they no modesty?

Our second floor loft, my man-cave, sits directly across from the bedroom occupied by Lucy and husband. I abandoned my den to escape the muffled moans and rhythmic banging of the our four-post metal bed against the guest room wall. 

The Iranians cooked dinner for me. 

Kellie texted me from her Arizona hot tub to see how things were going. 

Question four: Will these stains ever come out?

I spent Saturday scrubbing sheets with Triple-Acting SHOUT and Oxi-Clean to get the room ready for our next guest, Stephanie. She's coming here for a conference. At the last minute, a male "coworker" was invited to attend the same conference, and Stephanie asked if he could stay with her. This ought to be interesting.

Just before she headed out to watch an Arizona sunset, Kellie called to remind me to take the garbage pails to the curb.

Now, is there anyone who doesn't understand why I call this blog Living in Kellie's World?


  1. Would love to help you write the sitcom Living in Kellies would be a hit!.

    1. I've thought about it, but I know nothing about writing scripts or how to pitch them.

  2. Never a dull moment in your house, Joe. As Steven suggested, it would make a great comedy series. Perhaps you could call it, 'All that Coming & Going'?

  3. I hope Kellie knows how lucky she is to have you. That would make one hell of a sitcom.

  4. It's all clear to me now...
    And I used to live down by you, in Vista.

  5. That is the weirdest Valentine's Day date I've ever heard of.

  6. Hmm….candlelight dinner in a stranger's backyard…depends on the stranger, I suppose. If it were a guy in a mask holding a bottle of Chianti, no.