Thursday, February 20, 2014

Mr. Winky Goes To A CrossFit Box

I have not been very conscientious about protecting Mr. Winky over the years. Throughout a lifetime of carelessness I have subjected him to multiple chemical burns and countless assaults from an endless variety projectiles. Today I wacked him on his head; he never saw coming. It was an accident. I apologized profusely. Just to be clear, Mr. Winky is a euphemism for the centerpiece of my family jewels, the royal staff, if you will.

The mishap occurred just after I finished my Barbell Skillz for today’s CrossFit WOD. CrossFit, sometimes called CultFit by the unindoctrinated, is an intense strength and conditioning program designed to produce elite fitness in twenty and thirty-somethings and painful injuries in forty and fifty-somethings. I fall into the latter category. The WOD is CrossFit lingo for Workout of the Day, which is a synonym for torture.

Anyway, after completing my barbell work I began putting away my weights. At Oceanside CrossFit we store the weights by stacking them on a pole. Prudence dictates that when placing a twenty kilogram weight back on the stack, one should not drop it nor stand too close to a descending weight accelerating at 9.8 meters per second squared. I don’t care much for prudence or dictators, and I stood way, way too close to the falling mass and sort of grazed Mr. Winky, pinching him between the falling weight and those already on the stack. Catlike reflexes propelled me backwards. A more thoughtful approach would have been to lift the weight first, but Mr. Winky was unconscious at that point.

I raced to the bathroom to check the damage. Luckily I didn’t squash anything. Let’s just say Mr. Winky’s fireman’s helmet now has a scuffed rim. The injury was not severe; however, it required ice to prevent any ugly swelling later. Sprinting from the bathroom to the mini fridge, I found one cold pack in the freezer. Back in the bathroom again, I applied the cold pack to the affected area. Mr. Winky was not happy about the injury and even less enthusiastic about the treatment, shrinking away and trying to avoid me. 

Thanks to prompt action on my part, Mr. Winky will probably escape with only a minor scar. My convalescence shouldn’t take very long, but Mr. Winky will have to abstain from all recreational activities, both individual and mixed pairs, for about a week.

I’d hope my unfortunate experience serves as warning to other athletes. When you bring your dear friends to the gym, keep them away from the equipment.
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14 comments:

  1. Great Caesar's ghost, tuck that bad boy in before replacing the weights. Roll him up like a danish or wear him like a belt or neck tie. I ache just reading this.

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    1. Well, you should have been at the gym to dispense this advise when I needed it.

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  2. I hope you realize you are culpable for the collective wincing of all your males readers across the planet. I'll be contacting my solicitor to seek compensation, as soon as I can prise my knees apart!

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    1. If all the males across the planet would read my blog, then I'd gladly accept responsibility.

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  3. I just bust out laughing! Did you call Kellie on her vacation to let her know you're out of commission for awhile??

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  4. Oh man. Once, I laughed a little too loud when a standup comedian asked if any couples had named that body part, and she zeroed in on me and asked the name. I was nervous and blurted out “Timmy,” even though there really was no name; our friends still tease us about it. Now, I can tell my husband he should be grateful I didn’t say “Mr. Winky.”

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    1. The name changes depending upon the situation.

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  5. Ooh...Hopefully Kelly has some medicine for you.

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    1. If laughter is the best medicine, then Kellie seems to be taking plenty of it.

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  6. You know, I've heard Cross Fit is dangerous, but I didn't think these were the kind of injuries people talked about...

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    1. Yeah, I wouldn't call this the typical CrossFit injury.

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  7. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  8. Hmm, this is really a unfortunate incidents happened by you. I also think that your incident will be a warning for everyone and we should keep our friends away from crossfit equipment. Thanks

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