Sunday, December 15, 2013

Breasts To Die For

A German study published in the New England Journal of Medicine reported that staring at women's breasts improves men's health. According to the research, men who stared at woman’s breasts had a reduced risk of heart disease and better cardiovascular health.




Before rushing out to go breast watching, recognize that the news report did not explain how to properly administer an ocular breast therapy regimen  Doing it incorrectly could have serious negative health effects.      

Consider all the questions the report leaves unanswered:

Should the breasts be observed live or will pictures suffice? I hope it's the latter. Men can then experiment with a variety of treatment options just by surfing the internet.

Do the breasts have to be all natural or are surgically enhanced breasts equally effective? This just raises the whole ugly saline or silicone debate again? (Note: Los Angeleno males could be the healthiest men in the country.)

Do we need bare naked ladies or will fully covered sweater puppies suffice? 

Should the breasts be supported or untethered? 

Which brassiere is works best: a Playtex bra that lifts and separates or one that produces maximum cleavage? This is a question I can answer. Since Kellie’s Victoria’s Secret catalog just arrived, I’ll just strap on my blood pressure cuff, thumb through to push-up bra section and check my cardiovascular response. I may not even need the blood pressure monitor.

If looking is therapeutic, is touching even more effective? What about motor boating, or will that cause an overdose? 

The biggest question, of course, is about size. What size breasts are most efficacious? This is a crucial question. I don’t want to waste time staring at the wrong breasts. Should I look at a lot of smaller breasts or will one glance at Guinness Book world record holder Anne Hawkins-Turner inoculate me for life?

To answer the size question, I plotted the percentage of women with a D cup or larger versus male life expectancy for selected European countries.



Men live longer in countries where females have smaller breasts. Extrapolating to the limit, men would live forever in a country populated by flat-chested women – at least it might feel like an eternity. I'd be willing to give up a few years to live in Denmark.

You may have noticed that I didn't include the U.S. on the plot. That’s because I couldn't find data for the percentage of U.S. women sporting D racks or larger. I did, however, discover that the average American cup size is now a humongous 34DD, thanks to the more than 300,000 breast augmentations performed annually in the U.S. Unsurprisingly, male life expectancy here a measly 76 years.

I now understand why more and more women are seeking surgery in the unrelenting pursuit for larger and larger breasts. They are trying to eliminate the male species. I can't explain it yet, but I know it's connected to the vanishing Y chromosome that's threatening the humans race  with parthenogenesis in a mere 5 million years, but that’s a story for another post. 

Kellie added some extra mammary mass shortly after we met 19 years ago, and my health has steadily deteriorated ever since. I asked her if she was trying to kill me. She asked if my new life insurance policy had taken effect yet.

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18 comments:

  1. Now this is the sort of research that attracts my full support (sorry!). I love the graph; the appliance of science to a topic of central importance to the future of mankind - none of this faffing around with cancer research and the like). So the next time I'm on holiday in the Mediterranean sun, transfixed on the topless sun-worshipers, and Mrs Jones elbows me in the ribs, I can reply (with intellectual authority) that I'm reducing my risk of heart disease. (I'll still have to contend with the fractures, mind).

    A post well worth waiting for.

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    1. I love research, especially when I get to play with the data.

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  2. My husband is going to live forever.

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  3. Wait, there are that many breast augmentations? I just don't get it. You always entertain, Joe!

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    1. That number didn't surprise me at all, but I live in Southern California.

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    1. I wish I could take credit for it, but's a common euphemism.

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  5. Google ate my first comment - so I shall try again. Just getting to the nugget of earlier point -- my husband read this and said finally an answer to why a man at his age is in such poor health.

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    1. I hate when Google does that.

      You can help hubby recover by granting him permission to gaze.

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  6. I'm not entirely sure that staring at breasts is going to extend my life span. It may however cause my husband to question my true nature.....

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    1. Bill, you raised an excellent point that I completely overlooked. I don't even know if this has been tested on men or your nature. Please be careful.

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  7. Hahahaha...
    I have to show this to my husband. He'll get a kick out of it. Especially as he's Italian, and they seem to be on the end of the spectrum...

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    1. Is he getting the proper treatment for a long life?

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  8. You could add Japan to that graph - one of the longest life expectancies and girls are in general pretty small up top. Just saying, ha!

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    1. Astute observation, but without the data I can't put it on the graph. I don't just make this stuff up. I select my data very carefully to make sure it supports my theory.

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