Tuesday, March 26, 2013

He used to be a Mormon

Kellie, recovering nicely
It had been over five weeks since our Caribbean cruise and Kellie was suffering from severe vacation withdrawal, so I stuffed her in the car and speed off to Palm Springs for a medicinal vacation. 

At our hotel there was a large group of swingers who put on an afternoon, poolside show. We missed some of the best performances because the day before we arrived management had asked the troupe to keep their displays G-rated. The free outdoor entertainment was great but the free in-room coffee forced us to make daily trips to Starbucks.
 
On our first coffee run, Kellie struck up a conversation with two men from Arizona. If there is such a thing as gaydar, either I don’t have one or mine is broken, but when one of the men mentioned that they were married to each other, that’s a clue that even I don’t usually miss. So when the discussion moved on to children, Kellie, who likes to get right to the heart of the matter, asked the obvious question: “So, who do kids share DNA with?” Randy, the gentleman seated nearest to me, explained that the children were his partner's biological offspring. As he explained it, they were the result of a mistake a few years back when his partner was undergoing therapy. Then, in a slightly hushed voice, Randy added that his partner used to be a Mormon. 

Initially, I was a somewhat confused by Randy’s remark and I wondered what combination of Mormon, gay and therapy produces children? After a few minutes of intense contemplation I surmised a rational explanation for these apparently discordant bits of information. I imagined that a young man, coerced by his devout Mormon parents to endure years of pointless psychotherapy in a ridiculous attempt to cure his homosexuality, had an affair with his therapist and begat two children. Then, finally realizing that he didn't need to be cured of anything, he defies his parents, renounces his faith and comes out to live his life as a gay man. Yeah, it could have happened like that.

A little while later, back at the hotel, Kellie asked me if I caught that one of the men used to be woman. “A woman?” I repeated, once aloud and then several more times in my head. “Oh, I thought he said he used to be a Mormon.” I guess that accounts for the kids, too, if you prefer simple explanations. Damn you, Occam.

This was not the first time that I've misunderstood someone, but it's usually song lyrics that I get wrong. For me, Kurt Cobain remains eternally indecipherable. I thought Huey Lewis wanted a new truck instead of a new drug, and I swore it was Billie Jean's screaming glands, not her schemes and plans that led her to accuse Michael Jackson of fathering her child.

I should probably get my hearing checked.

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21 comments:

  1. HA !! As a person who constantly seems to mishear(is that a word) I love this one! I too will then create some sort of side story in an attempt to make sense of what I am SURE I just heard.

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  2. I am laughing hysterically at this for more reasons than you know. I am a mis hearer too!

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  3. Jimi Hendrix Purple Haze comes to mind...

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  4. It's so nice to see you and your hilarious posts back on the grid Joe! I used to think Steve Miller's "Big Ole Jet Airliner" was "Big Old Chad had a lineup." Of course, I was pre-teen so not sure what my excuse was.

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  5. No worries! Once upon a time I found myself in a debate with a high school boyfriend over a Bee Gees song. I said it's "More Than Woman", while he swore it's "Bald-Headed Woman".

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  6. Hilarious. I had no idea where you were going with this. I love how direct Kellie is.

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  7. I'm confused. Was he a Mormon or woman? Whatever. It was a great story. A fun read. I think the Mormon thing works.

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    1. Oh, he used to be a woman but, obviously, I didn't have a clue, which is generally the case.

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  8. Joe! So glad to see you back on the grid!!

    And this is crazy funny. I love tales of misunderstanding.

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  9. I've learned the hard way that my hearing can't always be trusted.

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  10. This blog was hilarious!
    And yes, Palm Springs is a special place.

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  11. I'm a habitual mis-hearer too. It may have something to do with the quart of wax I host in each ear!

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  12. Ha ha! I used to sing "Drank cappuccino all night long" for "Train kept a rollin."

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  13. Welcome back to the grid!
    Funny story!!

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  14. Hey! Found you through Emma over at YDW. Wanted to say hi because my husband is an ortho R2 in NYC and it looks like your daughter's BF just matched in ortho in NY. I enjoy the little I have browsed through your blog and look forward to reading more of your life's adventures.

    Stop by and say Hi when you get a moment!
    http://whenlifegivesyoumedicinemakemartinis.com/

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  15. I think you came up with a reasonable scenario with the guy being a former Mormon. Look at this world we live in-it takes all kinds!
    :)

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  16. Haha this is hilarious! And my gaydar is broken too - I can never tell! Living in the gay capital of the LA area makes it challenging.

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  17. Oh it was absolutely hilarious! I think even I would have come up with a similar explanation as you if I had heard the word "Mormon". Well, "woman" did change a lot of things. I loved the post. :)

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  18. Glad your back to blogging! I always need a good laugh! I, too, love cruising. We'll be cruising in Europe for my (and Kellie's) birthday. We definitely need to meet up one day for a memorable vacation!

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