Saturday, March 31, 2012

Houston, We Have A Problem

I need some help.  I took my wedding ring off and put down somewhere; now, I can't find it.  How do I explain to Kellie, after she’s been gone for a week, that I’ve lost my wedding ring?  I’m sure it’s in the house and that it will turn up eventually, but if I can’t find it before she gets home tomorrow, I’ll have to tell her something.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  And it can’t be, “It fell off my finger while I was body surfing.”  I used that one already.

Friday, March 30, 2012


When Kellie is home, we frequently take our two small dogs, Maddie and Marley, both about 10 pounds, for long walks in the hills behind our housing development.  We stroll along the concrete gutters that run across the slopes to control rainwater runoff, while the dogs run free and explore the hills.  There are coyotes in area, that’s why we’re currently on cat number 17 or 18 (I lost count) but we don’t usually see or hear the coyotes during the daytime, and we’re usually not worried about the dog’s safety.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Downside

Yesterday, I mentioned some the benefits of being home alone while Kellie takes a vacation without me.  But there are also some disadvantages:
  • Kellie’s dogs will not use the doggie door I installed for their convenience if it’s raining outside; they are perfectly content to do their business on the living room floor when the weather is inclement. 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Benefits of Sending Your Wife on a Cruise

Sub Captain's Stateroom
My seagoing days came to an end when I completed my tour as Commanding Officer of the USS OHIO (SSBN 726) (BLUE). Kellie was nervous: “What am I going do with you around here all the time?" she groaned. “I need to miss you once in a while.” Luckily, my subsequent shore assignments kept me traveling across the country and around the globe for over 20 weeks out of the year, giving Kellie a periodic respite from my constant presence and an extremely large horde of frequent flyer miles. 

Monday, March 26, 2012

Taking A Cruise To Prepare For The Cruise

Liza and Kellie, Feeling Fuzzy
Kellie prepares for a vacation the same way that a boxer trains for a championship fight: by scheduling a little tuneup action prior to the main event.  That’s why she’s currently underway on a week long Carnival Cruise to Mexico with our daughter, Kyra, in advance of our 34-day, Caribbean to Mediterranean holiday next month.  Kellie contends that she must acclimate to shipboard life again since she has not been aboard a cruise ship for almost three months now.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Sex or Alcohol

I was explaining the results of a recent scientific study to Kellie, hoping that the findings might persuade her to recognize the benefits of more frequent marital relations.  According to the online journal Science, male fruit flies that are denied the opportunity to mate will consume excessive alcohol.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Wedding Anniversary

Today is our wedding anniversary; Kellie and I have been married for 15 years.  But we sometimes have trouble remembering the date. A card from my mother is often the first reminder that the day is approaching.  Several years ago, my mom came to California for a visit, and she was with us during our

Monday, March 19, 2012

Evolution: Why Men Don't Listen

“Have you heard a single word I’ve said?” demanded Kellie.  Like many other men, it was a question I’ve been challenged with many times before.  Women think that men intentionally ignore them, but that’s not the case.  We cannot help ourselves; we have been conditioned by evolution to tune out the female voice.  Let me explain.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

John Carter

Saturday evening, Kellie dragged my butt to the theater to see the movie John CarterI didn’t find the trailer all that interesting, and I didn’t want to go, but I acquiesced to her wishes.  The movie was just okay, and it didn’t take me too long to recognize why she wanted to see the film.  The leading male character, John Carter, played by actor Taylor Kitsch, spent most of movie flexing, clothed in little more than rags and scraps of leather.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

9 Habits Of Highly Effective Marriages
According to Redbook, there are nine specific habits that successful couples practice to help make their marriages more "intimate and resilient" and reduce the chances of divorce. I have already written posts about many of Redbook's recommended behaviors, which must explain why Kellie and I do so well together. Here’s a summary on how we practice each of these habits.
1. They use terms of endearment
I call her Smellie and she refers to me as geek, dork, and nerd.  Also included in this category: assigning pet names to your spouse’s intimate body parts.  Kellie and I don’t that, unless her calling me an asshole qualifies.

Monday, March 12, 2012

What Is That On Your Neck?

Last May I had spine surgery to remove two degenerative disks from my neck that were bulging into my spinal cord and pressing on the C6 nerve root for my right arm.  My doctor implanted an artificial disk between the C5 and C6 vertebrae and fused the C6 and C7 vertebrae. 

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Daylight Savings Time 2012

Tonight is Kellie’s least favorite night of the year; the time change makes her lose an hour of sleep.  Then she spends the next day asking, "What time is it?" 

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

If You Really Love Me, You Would Do It

One week before your colonoscopy you're supposed to eliminate all nuts, beans, seeds or seed products from your diet.  I forgot.  To compensate, my doctor had me start my liquid diet yesterday, one day early.  That means I'll go two full days without eating prior to my procedure tomorrow morning.  I started becoming disagreeable after about six hours without any solid food, so Kellie decided to keep her distance from me.

Monday, March 5, 2012

What Do They Know About You?

Kellie just laughed and teased me when I got my first letter from AARP, but when I received mail from Smart Cremation, Kellie starting asking about the status of my life insurance policy.